I did not write this!
Things not to do at Hogwarts! (Well...not unless you have Harry's invisibility cloak and the Marauders' Map or you are Fred and/or George)
1. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
2. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not an extra credit project for Herbology.
3. “I’ve heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood’s name” is not a challenge.
4. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
5. I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I was hardcore”.
6. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
7. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
8. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year’s Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless, tacky, and not a clever money-making concept.
9. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today’s project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
10. Adding the name “Bueller” to Professor Binns’ roster is not funny.
11. “Springtime for Voldemort” is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
12. Seamus Finnegan is not “after me Lucky Charms”.
13. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
14. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to “Get a room” whenever they start to fight.
15. I am not a tribble Animagus.
16. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
17. I do not weigh the same as a duck no matter what that Muggle movie says.
18. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
19. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
20. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
21. Asking “How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?” and walking away is only funny the first time.
22. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
23. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
24. Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say “NI”. (you've gotta have watched the monty python to get it)
25. I will stop asking when we will learn to make “Love Potion Number Nine”.
26. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with “What’s new, pussycat?”
27. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I it’s founder.
28. I am not allowed to order the kitchen house-elves to spit into all the food to “enhance the flavor”.
29. The proper way to report to my Teacher is “Yes, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”
30. I am not allowed to add pictures of teachers I don’t like to Wanted Deatheater posters.
31. There is no house made of candy in the forbidden Forest and it’s wrong to say so to first years.
32. I shall not add “according to the prophecy” at the end of my sentences to raise my Divination grade.
33. I am not to ask Aragog how things with the wife are. Especially if his wife is Shelob.
34. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is not an appropriate career choice. Not even if I am a witch.
35. I will not call my wand “an elegant weapon from a more civilized age”.
36. It’s just cruel to tell Nearly Headless Nick that he’d forget his head if it wasn’t attached.
37. The four houses are not the Morons, the Barons, the Smartasses, and the Junior Death Eaters.
38. My headmasters name is Albus Dumbledore, not “Gandalf”.
39. I will not teach the house-elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.
40. Yelling “to infinity and beyond” was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.
41. I will refrain from calling Harry and Ron “Frodo and Sam” and the Weasley twins “Merry and Pippin”.
42. Telling Draco Malfoy to “Make like a ferret and bounce” is always a bad idea.
43. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.
44. No matter how creepy and abandoned some of the towers are, I will not find Johnny Depp with scissors for hands in any of them.
45. I will stop sneaking out at night to look for Ents in the Forbidden Forest.
46. I am not allowed to flood the Chamber of Secrets, install an organ, wear half a mask and sing Andrew Lloyd Webber.
47. I will not tickle a sleeping dragon “just to see what happens”.
48. When being questioned by a member of the staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce “These aren’t the droids you are looking for”.
49. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter’s Firebolt.
50. I will not start singing and dancing in the middle of a class and blame that someone put the Imperious Curse on me.
51. I will not refer to the Accio Charm as “The Force”.
52. I will stop telling tree-huggers to go visit the Whomping Willow.
53. Loudly repeating “Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort” is not a good way to get the classroom quiet.
54. I must not sing “I’m off to see the wizard” every time I am sent to the headmasters office.
55. I must not throw Hermione’s copy of Hogwarts: A History out the window and then claim that it wanted freedom.
56. I will not tell Professor Trelawny that my teacup says she’s lying.
57. I must not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor tower is “Petrificus Totalus” and must be recited with their wands pointed at themselves.
58. I will not jump up, yelling “VOLDEMORT, RUN!” in the middle of a Order of the Phoenix or DA meeting.
59. I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his “Happy place”.
60. I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.
61. I must not claim my X-Files tapes are “Auror Training Videos”.
62. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.
63. I will not set Ravenclaw house on the task of calculating the exact value of pi.
64. However tempting it may be, I will not send Voldemort a Christmas card telling him how much we all love him, even through these difficult times.
65. I will not point out to the house-elves how much sushi could be made of the giant squid.
66. I will not dress like Neville’s grandmother when going to the Halloween Party in Snape’s class.
67. I will not give Voldemort a toupee to hide his baldness.
68. I will not steal veritaserum from Snape’s store and add some to the teachers’ morning tea.
69. When asked a question by a teacher I will not point out that the answer is protected by a fidelius charm and I am not the secret-keeper.
70. Do not jump out at Mad-Eye Moody for a joke.
71. The phrase “Good dragon, nice dragon, please don’t kill me,” doesn’t work.
72. I must not point to the Dark Mark in the sky and shout “To the Batmobile, Robin!”
73. Making a fake journal and leaving it in Ginny’s dormitory is not funny.
74. I must not point at Voldemort and say “I taught him everything he knows.”
75. I will not tell Umbridge “Voldemort says, ‘Hi,’” every time I see her.
76. I should not tell Cho Chang Cedric came to me in a dream and wanted me to tell her something, but I woke up before he did.
77. I must not intentionally mispronounce Cho’s name as “Ho”.
78. I should not tell Umbridge that I have a kitten named “Fluffy” she would like to meet. But I will anyway.
79. I will not pay Professor Flitwick to run around yelling “Help, they’re after me lucky charms!”
80. I must not convince Cedric to wear a red shirt on the last task of the Triwizard Tournament.
81. My name is not “Dark Lord Happy Pants” and I will not sign my papers as such.
82. I will not follow my Potions instructions backwards “just for the heck of it”.
83. I should never ask Harry if his “Scar Senses” are tingling.
84. I must not lock all of the Gryffindor and Slytherin in a room and see which house comes out alive.
85. I will not call the Dark Lord “Tommy-boy”.
86. As Stan Stunpike learned, impersonating a death eater doesn’t “get you chicks”.
87. I will not crush up booger flavored jelly beans and put them in Draco’s pumpkin juice…after this time.
88. I will NOT bleach Lucius Malfoy’s Deatheater robes.
89. I must not fill Umbridge’s room with flies and then tell the headmaster “She was looking a little deprived, flies are what toads eat right?”
90. I must not call Potions “Home-Economics” in front of Professor Snape.
91. Telling Lockheart that there’s something in between his teeth will NOT get you out of DADA.
92. Do not ask Snape how to make a love potion!
93. I will not enchant a scarecrow and suit of armor to skip through the halls singing, “We’re Off to See the Wizard”.
94. I will not hit on Hermione while Ron is in the same room.
95. Ron Weasley does NOT know Kim Possible.
96. I will not say, “What’s the sitch?” into the Order’s two-way mirrors.
97. I will not ask Snape who dumped him and made him so cranky.
98. A hug is not all Snape needs.
99. I will not splash water in Professor McGonagall’s face, expecting her to melt.
100. I am not allowed to set a troll loose because I think it needs some fresh air.
101. I can not call Professor Snape “the Sheriff of Noghtingham”.
102. I will not tell students that can’t see Thestrals that they are about to attack us.
103. Harry’s resemblance to Davy Croccet is purely coincidental.
104. Dropping a bucket of water on Snape’s head was only funny the first time…and the second…and third. But the forth time! No way.
105. I am not to sing “That’s So Raven” when passing Ravenclaws in the corridors.
106. I must not grind with my broomstick. (Tony Hawk style!)
107. I will not tell Hermione that the Hogwarts library has burned in a fire.
108. I must not tell Bellatrix that Voldemort got married.
109. I am not allowed to run my hands through Snape’s hair.
110. I must not tell Umbridge that some centaurs have invited her to a party.
111. I shall not tell Snape, “There is a thing called shampoo in the world.”
112. I must not yell “She-who-must-not-be-named is coming!” every time Umbidge walks down the hall.
113. I shall not say, “I heard that if you hug Voldemort he won’t kill you,” to the first years.
114. Professor McGonagall likes her milk in a glass, not a saucer.
115. Saying, “Here puss, puss, puss, puss, puss,” is not the best way to get McGonagalls attention during class.
116. Wolf whistling at Lupin when he walks by is not funny.
117. I must not bewitch the door to Professor Snape’s office so that it will only open if he says, “Business in front; party in the back!”
118. Convincing Peeves to go into suits of armor and say, “I am your father” isn’t funny.
119. Telling Slytherin first years that to enter their common room they must point their wands strait up and say, “Morsmordre” is just plain mean.
120. I will not bewitch Umbridge’s hand to take her special quill and write: “I am a pompous, ugly toad” 10,000 times.
At least, that’s what I’ll tell her.
In fact, make it 100,000!
121. When I see Professor Umbridge, I will not say, “There you are, Trevor. Neville has been looking all over for you.”
122. Dementors don’t like it when you walk up to them and ask if they are the Ghost of Christmas-Yet-To-Come.
123. When someone pulls Godric Gryffindor’s sword out of the Sorting Hat, I will not say, “You have acquired the Master Sword.”
124. Saying, “Accio brooms” while first years are having flying lessons isn’t nice.
125. I am not to ask, “Voldemort: boxers or briefs?”
126. I am not allowed to say, “Accio Hermione’s panties!”
127. Mad-Eye Moody’s moto is “constant vigilance” not “custard pudding”.
128. I must not moon Professor Lupin. Even if his nickname is “Moony”.
129. I will not stick Bill Weasley’s hair to the ceiling with a permanent-sticking charm.
130. The resurrection stone is not materia.
131. Voldemort’s nickname is NOT “Filthy Half-Blood”.
132. “Rub-on aphrodisiac” is not one of the twelve uses of dragon’s blood.
133. I will not buy professer snape head n shoulders shampoo for christmas.
134. I will not skip down the hallway singing, "we're off to see the wizard!" whenever i'm sent to the headmasters office.
135. I will not tell Cedric he dies only to turn into a sparkling, emo vampire in a few years
136. I will not ask Lucius Malfoy why he and his friends let everyone call them 'vultures'