A/N: My FINAL writing for the day, and I really think I deserve some reviews after this. I’ve only received a couple! *gasp* But anyways, I have a schedule for when I’m writing things and lucky for you, I had THREE fics planned for today. ;p
Okay, though this may seem like a repeat from when I wrote a CB Blair birthday fic for Season 2, because everyone else was doing it….it is not. I had this planned SINCE I saw the episode pretty much, and the fact that I’ve read like 2 or 3 fics that have taken this same idea and put it to paper, does not mean that’s where I got the inspiration from. Pure LeightonEd inspiring here! Oh, and uh…Blair and Chuck. Lol. XD So, this fic is basically going inside the heads of Blair and Chuck during the elevator scene and a little bit after too. I mainly focus on Chuck’s thoughts….but the end scene is BLAIR’S THOUGHTS!!! Lol. So, I hope you love this and please review. ENJOY!!! =D
DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Gossip Girl. *sigh*
The ride to Blair Waldorf’s penthouse had never been so long.
Never been so painful.
She’d forgiven him before.
But he had crossed a line.
They were different people now.
Had EXPRESSED different feelings.
They had been at an ‘I like you’ stage the year before. It was bad when he set things ascrew at the Cotillion, but she had forgiven him…eventually. It had been even worse when he had abandoned and ditched her at the helipad, awaiting their summer vacation together in Tuscany.
But she had forgiven him…eventually.
Then, the ‘I love you’s’ came…or rather, DIDN’T come. But they knew they were there. They KNEW they were in love with each other.
The snowflake ball changed everything. The death of his one and only parent, who appeared to care less about him, minus that small conversation brought up by good for nothing Humphrey, changed things.
Blair’s confession of love changed things.
When he left with nothing more than a sorry sad note on her bed and was dragged back, high and more drugged than ever.
THAT changed things.
Blair cried. He knew she did. Knew she would. Knew she had. But wouldn’t believe. He COULDN’T believe that a person would care that much for him, of all people.
Nobody cared about Chuck Bass.
But she was there for him. Time and time again.
And he ditched her from the dinner she had planned.
She stumbled in on the whores he had spent the night with.
He lost his place in the company, the place SHE had helped him get…with HER confidence in HIS abilities….because all of the company’s staff had stumbled in after her.
He had insulted her. Spitting in her face how her wife abilities were NOT wanted there.
He cringed at the memory.
It was all her fault somehow.
She had done nothing but help, but try to be there.
And yet…it was HER fault?
No, it was JACK’S! He had set him up. For failure. For disaster.
The blossomed pink flowers lying next to him on the leather seats taunted his very thoughts. Reminded him that it was HIS fault, and NO ONE ELSE’S.
He looked away. Out of the limo. To real life. To a world he was hardly aware of anymore. A world he hardly even TRIED to recognize.
How could he have done this to her?
The ding of the elevator caught him off guard, since he had gotten lost in his thoughts the whole way up. Not that it was that long of a journey, but still his thoughts had wandered. He clutched the flowers tightly in his right hand, finding it ridiculous the choice of purple tissue paper wrapping around the delicate stems. He was wearing the same thing as the day before. The outfit he thought would get him places, maybe by pure luck itself. His fathers favorite outfit, or at least a look alike.
And there she was.
How had she known?
He hadn’t called her.
Hadn’t texted her.
As far as he knew, she wasn’t going to be home.
She would be off at some random party or with Serena trying to forget about everything that had gone wrong that day.
“I’m sorry,” he almost whispered, holding out the flowers to her, “I screwed up.”
It was the truth, but it was such an understatement that he wasn’t even sure if he, himself, believed it.
But she took the flowers from him, inspecting them, and he could see her mind. He could almost feel the wheels spinning.
It wasn’t enough.
She looked to him. “It’s too late, Chuck,” she said, and reached over to her right, pressing the button for the elevator to go down. She had had enough of Chuck Bass and his screw ups. “I’ve stood by you through all of this, but I can’t watch you self-destruct anymore.”
“Jack set me up,” he defended, pushing the elevator door back as it began to close in on him. She wasn’t going to push him away that easily. Not just with the touch of a button. He may have messed up a lot lately, but one thing he had always been sure of was without Blair…he was nothing. He was less than nothing, because he couldn’t recognize a world beyond the haze he had created for himself. She offered a light out of that pit of darkness. He NEEDED her.
“You have no one to blame but yourself.”
He was silenced. He could have insinuated she was exaggerating or taking this too far or being too angry at him.
But she wasn’t. She was speaking plainly, and she was even talking softly to him. She had been hurt. She had been crying, and if she hadn’t…she would be as soon as he was gone.
“I believed in you,” she began again, gentle as ever, and he looked at her because of it. “Your father believed in you. YOU were the only one that didn’t.”
Her expression was incredulous, but her eyes were filled with so much pain, so much hurt for him, that once again…there would be no way for him to blame her of anything mean or harsh.
He watched her.
Waited for what would come next.
She became even softer, even MORE gentle, and an incredible vulnerability made itself known on her face as she looked away from him slightly. “All I wanted to do…was just….be there,” she sighed, and it took everything inside of him to not just kill himself right there. For how much pain he had caused her, and the fact that there was pain he was probably not even aware of on his account…scared him even more.
“But today when you called me your wife,” her voice rose slightly, but retained its gentle pain.
He turned away, pursing his lips hard to hold back the tears. Everything in him just wanted to burst, and he would have just run away to kill himself right then, if he hadn’t remembered her plea only a few nights before…it would only cause her MORE pain. He couldn’t do that to her.
“…you made it sound like the ugliest word in the world.”
He didn’t look at her at first. He thought she was going to say more, say more of the awful things he had said or done. Maybe about walking in on him with all those ridiculously pointless women she had seen him with earlier. They had meant nothing to him. NOTHING.
He took a chance and looked up just in time to see her subtly nodding, confirming her statement of it being too late for him to save anything they had. If this had been a happy moment, he would have commented on how beautiful she looked right then. He would have said that she knew EXACTLY what to wear and how to wear it, and that she was a queen in his eyes, if not also the rest of the world’s.
But it was not a happy moment, and he knew she was giving up.
“Blair…please,” he spoke, in desperation, trying to grasp her hands frozen around the flowers she clearly did not approve of.
But she snapped away, making a huffing noise.
He had broken her, for sure.
“I’m sorry,” she said weakly.
And Chuck’s face broke into a million hidden tears.
Even NOW she was being gentle.
Apologizing for snapping away from him.
Apologizing for where this left them.
Because it was the last thing she wanted, and he KNEW she felt she had no other choice.
“…but I’m done,” she finished, trying to shake off the blunt emotions that were pouring out of her.
Frozen. Shocked. Taken aback by everything. Chuck slowly took the couple steps back into the elevator, staring ahead at her as her tears threatened to fall.
He couldn’t look away from her though. His fallen angel. Not until the doors closed and he had lost her forever. She wouldn’t be there to console him. To give him confidence. To let him know that everything would be okay. For support. For…love.
And all her anger and sadness, and he was sure…hate, flew at him in the form of those flowers. She chucked them at him, probably in an attempt to rid herself of him, of everything that happened.
He had torn her apart, and now she was breaking away so she could put herself back together.
She would never make the mistake of involving herself with Chuck Bass again.
The door slid shut. And he glared at the flowers. Those stupid god-forsaken flowers that had been mocking him the whole way there and would continue to do so until he left that elevator. Then, their image would be stuck in his head…just like the tears that had almost fallen from Blair’s eyes.
He looked up and stared at the wall, refusing to let any tears fall. Refusing to EVER let tears fall again. He needed to believe there was something outside of sadness. That there was something he could achieve yet in his life that didn’t cause such pain. Had happiness only been an illusion? Something everyone believed but was never actually real?
He was dazed…as He waited for the ding. As he waited for the relief which would never come. Not to him. Not this night.
He had told her that he was sorry…that she deserved better…and that she SHOULDN’T come looking for him.
Breathing in and out harshly did nothing for him. Thoughts of suicide did nothing for him. Memories of him and Blair…did nothing for him.
She hadn’t listened.
Tears sprung for her eyes, when she realized he would not be coming back. It wasn’t that she expected him to or that she wanted him to (and she NEEDED him not to), but the realization that it would actually NOT be happening got to her, and she walked slowly up to her room, stumbling to her bed in her heels and crying hard into her pillows. The calm façade she had played up to keep him from doing something drastic afterwards…fell apart the minute the doors closed. Even now, she was trying to protect him from himself. Even if it was the last time she would do so in a long while.
She wanted him. She needed him. She LOVED him.
But she wouldn’t stand for it anymore. She wouldn’t be destroyed again. He wouldn’t do to her what Nate had done. However unintentionally it would be. He would destroy her more than Nate ever could have. Because she loved him. She loved him with a passion that hurt. She had never gone in this deep with Nate. She had loved him too, but it had never been like this. If she let herself keep going in this nasty downwards spiral Chuck had created for himself, she would never come out alive. And then, neither would he. THAT would be what would kill her.
She needed to be strong.
So, after tonight she wouldn’t cry for him.
She promised herself.
No more tears.
Sobbing uncontrollably, and forcing herself into night-wear and into her bed without the slightest suspicion from the paling walls, she repeated the phrase.
“No more tears. No more tears. After tonight….”
No more tears.
A/N: Okay, I’m not sure if this one’s the best…but I have been writing all day, so blame it on that…if nothing else. Lol. XD Please review if you liked it! And even if you didn’t. This scene was SO tragic in the episode, and yet SO beautiful. And believe me, it took lots of consoling from numerous CB fans to get me to that place, so it’s okay if you weren’t there right away either. I hope you loved this! ;p