Cecily Von Ziegesar
Hey People,
Ever wondered what it’s like to live in the White House? Ever wondered what it’s like to ride in a chopper or be followed by a motorcade of secret service cars wherever you go? No? Well, neither have I. I like my apartment. I like my doorman. I like taxis. And the only people I want following me are the boys at the private school around the corner. As far as I’m concerned, New York is the only real city in the country. Washington DC is just a great big college campus, and that campus is the government. There’s no Barneys, no Bendels, No Bergdorfs. And I bet the service sucks in helicopters.
You know it’s that time—and please let’s be tolerant because it’s only every four years—when you put on your coziest cashmere pajamas, grab the remote and a bottle of merlot, and there’s nothing to watch but the presidential debates and election coverage. News, news, news. Yawn. Well, here’s a little something to ponder while you’re watching….
Is Barack Obama a Nate, a Dan, a Chuck, a Serena, or a Blair?
Barack Obama. First of all he’s adorable. You know his older daughter’s friends all have crushes on him, as do his wife Michelle’s friends. Okay, as do I. Actually, I have this little fantasy where Barack I go to Barneys and right away he’s mobbed by the gay men in Cosmetics so he’s wearing Carolina Herrera cologne and a Kiehls cucumber eye masque. He buys me a sweet little gold Me and Ro bracelet before we head into the men’s department to get him a new suit. Of course he already knows he looks best in dark gray and he picks out a pink shirt which make me love him even more and then he picks out the most unboring pair of shoes they have because his taste is impeccable and oh where did they find this guy because he’s just… perfect!
But I digress. Back to the topic at hand. Barack Obama—is he a Nate, a Dan, a Chuck, a Serena, or a Blair?
Nate is a ridiculously hot stoner who strays from one girl to the other like a dog following a scent. There’s not an ambitious bone in his body. Maybe Barack went through his stoner phase back in the day, but I bet it only lasted a day. He’s no slacker, and whenever he talks about his wife Michelle you can totally tell that he’s still in love with her (sigh). Barack is definitely the hottest guy on campus, but he’s no Nate.
Dan writes poetry in a notebook and only owns two pairs of pants, both of which are corduroys from Old Navy. He’d rather not stand in front of a large group of people, talking about himself. Barack Obama does this a lot, and we like to watch him do it. Barack is no Dan.
Serena is the girl every boy wants and every girl wants to be. Hmm there might actually be some similarities here. What guy in Washington doesn’t want to be Barack Obama, and what sane girl doesn’t want him even just a tiny little bit? But Serena lacks ambition. She doesn’t know what she wants. Barack Obama knows he wants to be the next president of the United States, and I know you know you want to help him (so vote, my darlings, please vote). The truth is, Barack is just not blond enough or vague enough to be a Serena. Although he is pretty.
Then there’s Chuck. Wily, conniving, backstabbing, flamboyantly dressed Chuck. No way is Barack Obama a Chuck. Chuck would eat him for breakfast and spit him out into one of those monogrammed scarves he wears all the time.
Which leaves us with Blair. Barack and Blair are both beautiful, passionate, ambitious dreamers. They won’t stop until they get what they want, which gives them a bitchy, sexy edge—and we like them like that. They make sure we know what they want and enlist our help by convincing us that their agenda is our agenda, we’re all in it together, and if we’re really, really lucky they’ll ask us to go shopping with them at Barneys. They both have gleaming white, You Know You Want Me smiles. They both sleep with eye masks on, under silky satin sheets. They’re fastidious dressers. They’re both brunettes. They love nice hotels. Both their names start with the letter B. OMFG! Barack Obama is Blair!
I know the phrases ‘register to vote’ and ‘vote on November 4, 2008’ make you want to slap someone you hear them so much. But think of it this way: This your country, your campus, your school. Why not elect B to do what B does best: steal everyone’s hearts, stay in lots of nice hotels, wear the best clothes, look really good on camera, and make us all want to be more like B, because the truth is no one could possibly do it better. So get over yourself and vote. You know you want to.
I’ll be watching closely. I’ll be watching all of us. It’s going to be a wild and wicked year, I can smell it.
You know you love me,
Gossip Girl
Is Blair the Upper Eastside Barack Obama?
