DISCALIMER:This is only my third fan fiction and my second House-related fan fiction, so I'm not familiar with the fan fiction ways. Thus, be gentle!
Also, I started writing this before 'Rationalisation Man' and 'Rational Man' were mentioned. Also, I didn't want to copy the show completely, so I did not use 'The Boy Wonder Oncologist' in this fan fiction, which will become clear as you read the story.
Lastly, enjoy it and don't take it seriously!
Once upon a time, a young medical student named Lawrence Kutner was paying his tuition fee by working at a department store, selling men's fragrances. He enjoyed his job because it always smelled manly and the fumes would keep him a little high all day.
Mr Kutner was very good with customer. He was eager to please and willing to help. He was the star salesman and he was thriving on his work.
One day, a woman in a fancy pantsuit came into the store and began smelling some of the fragrances. Mr Kutner, brimming with confidence, strolled up to the woman and said-
"Hello ma'am. Can I help you with anything?"
"Yes," said the pantsuit lady. "I need a fragrance for my husband. He stinks."
"Ah... Ok ma'am. Well, tell me a bit about your husband. By getting to know my customers, I am better able to help them find the perfect fragrance for them." explained Mr Kutner.
"Don't be silly, you stupid salesboy! Just give me something that will make my husband smell like a human being!"
Mr Kutner fought the urge to slap the woman and calmly said -
"Ok then. Lets sniff some products."
sniff, sniff "No."
sniff, sniff "No."
sniff, sniff "No."
sniff, sniff "Ugh! No!"
sniff, sniff "No."
sniff, sniff "No."
After sniffing and rejecting every men's fragrance in the store, the woman in the pantsuit with the smelly husband was dancing on Mr Kutner's last nerve.
"Well, ma'am, I'm afraid you have sniffed all the fragrances that we have."
"That's not good enough. Go out back and check if you have any other stock that I can sniff!"
Mr Kutner obligingly went out back to check the stock. After finding nothing, Mr Kutner decided to go to his locker to eat some of his secret cereal stash. He unlocked his locker, grabbed a handful of cereal and stuffed it in his mouth.
"Mmmmmmmm... I love cereal..."
Then, Mr Kutner noticed the defibrillator that he had borrowed from the teaching hospital and made a mental note to himself to remember to take it back.
Pumped up on cereal, Mr Kutner went back out to the lady in the pantsuit.
"I'm sorry ma'am, we do not have any other stock out back."
"That is not good enough! You are a terrible seller of fragrances. I want to talk to your manager!" yelled the pantsuit lady.
Something inside Mr Kutner snapped.
"Yes ma'am." said Mr Kutner and he turned to leave.
Mr Kutner walked back to his locker, unlocked it, pulled out the defibrillator and hid it inside his jacket. He walked back out to the lady in the pantsuit.
"I'm sorry ma'am. My manager is busy at the moment, but I have someone else who can take your complaint."
"Who?"
Mr Kutner pulled out his defibrillator paddles, lunged towards the pantsuit lady and...
Buh-ZAP!
The lady in the pantsuit flew across the fragrance department in a shower of sparks.
Mr Kutner ran out of the store, down the street and all the way back to his apartment.
Once at home, Mr Kutner began to reflect on what he had done. At first, he was horrified by what he had done. But then he felt a strange feeling. He felt... good. He felt good about shocking the rude and insufferable pantsuit lady.
The next day, knowing he couldn't go back to his old job, Mr Kutner went downtown to look for work.
After an unsuccessful morning, Mr Kutner decided to go to the deli to get a sandwich.
There was a long line at the deli, but after a while Mr Kutner was second in the line and the man in front of him was ordering.
"Hmmm. Do you have glucose-free bread? What about flourless? Is your salami good? What about your ham? I definitely do not want cheese, but I do want tomato. No, wait. No tomato. I want lettuce and pickles. Actually, I will have tomato. And mayonnaise. And salt and pepper. No, not pepper, just salt and mayonnaise. And cheese. I want cheese...."
Mr Kutner pulled out his defibrillator, shocked the indecisive sandwich man and ran out of the deli.
After calming himself down under a tree in a park, Mr Kutner decided to go home and eat some cereal rather than try and get a sandwich.
As he was walking home, Mr Kutner got stuck walking behind a young couple in love, strolling hand-in-hand down the street. The couple were walking incredibly slowly and were taking up the entire width of the footpath with their lovey-dovey hand-holding.
Mr Kutner pulled out his defibrillator paddles, placed one on each of the lovers and shocked them. They flew apart, clearing the path for Mr Kutner to make a speedy journey home.
Once back at his apartment, Mr Kutner poured himself a bowl of cereal, turned on the tv and began watching a news item about a crazed madman that the media had dubbed "The Professional Defibrillist". Mr Kutner was shocked and sickened with his own behaviour and vowed to return the defibrillator to the teaching hospital in the morning and to stop his wicked, defibrillating ways.
The next day, Mr Kutner got up early and went to the teaching hospital to return the defibrillator.
As he walked in the door of the teaching hospital he saw out of the corner of his eye a young man park in a carpark clearly labelled for the disabled.
Mr Kutner began walking towards the man and reached for his defibrillator...
"STOP!" yelled a sweet-sounding voice.
Mr Kutner turned around to see a beautiful young doctor with golden blonde hooker-like hair staring at him caringly.
"You must be The Professional Defibfrillist," said the beautiful blonde doctor. "I am The Incredible Caring Girl and I have amazing and unbelievable powers of unconditional caring. And I care about you. I sense that you are unhappy with your current shocking lifestyle, and because I care, I want to help you use your powers for good, not evil."
"I do want to use my powers for good," said Mr Kutner, "But I don't know how."
"I will help you. You can join our League Of Differential Diagnoses. We fight evil doers like Meningito, who swells his victims' brains. And Lupus The Elusive. And Amy LoDosis, who clogs her victims joints. And El 'C' Grande, who appears in many forms and is virtually unstoppable. We need your help to stop these bad guys. Please join our medical crime-fighting team and use your defibrillating powers to battle these nasty, invasive and infectious disease villains!"
"Yes! I will join you! Thank you for caring about me Incredible Caring Girl!"
And with that, Mr Kutner and The Incredible Caring Girl walked through the doors of the hospital together.
Mr Kutner followed The Incredible Caring Girl to a large office and saw 7 other super-doctors sitting at a table.
There was-
Wombato, who defeats opponents with his Spiky Peach Fuzz and his Shampoo Of Doom.
The Neurological Homey, who uses his powers of intense sarcasm to render his opponents stupid. He can also steal cars.
Surgio Plastique, who has amazing powers of surgical alteration and philanthropy.
Huntington's Bisexia, who steals sexuality.
The Clevaged Administrator, with astronomical powers of administration and sexing.
The Rebellious Pocket Protector, who specialises in rationalisation and righteousness. He is also the faithful sidekick to the leader of The League Of Differential Diagnoses known as-
Obsessionado The Limping Wonder Twerp, who uses his powers of obsession to diagnose the undiagnosable.
Mr Kutner was impressed with super-doctors. They were all so smart and sexy and doctory.
"I'm not sure I will fit in here." whispered Mr Kutner.
"Yes, of course you will," said The Incredible Caring Girl. "You have amazing powers of defibrillation! We need you here Professional Defibrillist!"
"Shut up! We have a case!" yelled Obsessionado The Limping Wonder Twerp.
And so, The Professional Defibrillist and The League Of Differential Diagnoses began another battle against an evil medical villain.
The End
Also, I started writing this before 'Rationalisation Man' and 'Rational Man' were mentioned. Also, I didn't want to copy the show completely, so I did not use 'The Boy Wonder Oncologist' in this fan fiction, which will become clear as you read the story.
Lastly, enjoy it and don't take it seriously!
Once upon a time, a young medical student named Lawrence Kutner was paying his tuition fee by working at a department store, selling men's fragrances. He enjoyed his job because it always smelled manly and the fumes would keep him a little high all day.
Mr Kutner was very good with customer. He was eager to please and willing to help. He was the star salesman and he was thriving on his work.
One day, a woman in a fancy pantsuit came into the store and began smelling some of the fragrances. Mr Kutner, brimming with confidence, strolled up to the woman and said-
"Hello ma'am. Can I help you with anything?"
"Yes," said the pantsuit lady. "I need a fragrance for my husband. He stinks."
"Ah... Ok ma'am. Well, tell me a bit about your husband. By getting to know my customers, I am better able to help them find the perfect fragrance for them." explained Mr Kutner.
"Don't be silly, you stupid salesboy! Just give me something that will make my husband smell like a human being!"
Mr Kutner fought the urge to slap the woman and calmly said -
"Ok then. Lets sniff some products."
sniff, sniff "No."
sniff, sniff "No."
sniff, sniff "No."
sniff, sniff "Ugh! No!"
sniff, sniff "No."
sniff, sniff "No."
After sniffing and rejecting every men's fragrance in the store, the woman in the pantsuit with the smelly husband was dancing on Mr Kutner's last nerve.
"Well, ma'am, I'm afraid you have sniffed all the fragrances that we have."
"That's not good enough. Go out back and check if you have any other stock that I can sniff!"
Mr Kutner obligingly went out back to check the stock. After finding nothing, Mr Kutner decided to go to his locker to eat some of his secret cereal stash. He unlocked his locker, grabbed a handful of cereal and stuffed it in his mouth.
"Mmmmmmmm... I love cereal..."
Then, Mr Kutner noticed the defibrillator that he had borrowed from the teaching hospital and made a mental note to himself to remember to take it back.
Pumped up on cereal, Mr Kutner went back out to the lady in the pantsuit.
"I'm sorry ma'am, we do not have any other stock out back."
"That is not good enough! You are a terrible seller of fragrances. I want to talk to your manager!" yelled the pantsuit lady.
Something inside Mr Kutner snapped.
"Yes ma'am." said Mr Kutner and he turned to leave.
Mr Kutner walked back to his locker, unlocked it, pulled out the defibrillator and hid it inside his jacket. He walked back out to the lady in the pantsuit.
"I'm sorry ma'am. My manager is busy at the moment, but I have someone else who can take your complaint."
"Who?"
Mr Kutner pulled out his defibrillator paddles, lunged towards the pantsuit lady and...
Buh-ZAP!
The lady in the pantsuit flew across the fragrance department in a shower of sparks.
Mr Kutner ran out of the store, down the street and all the way back to his apartment.
Once at home, Mr Kutner began to reflect on what he had done. At first, he was horrified by what he had done. But then he felt a strange feeling. He felt... good. He felt good about shocking the rude and insufferable pantsuit lady.
The next day, knowing he couldn't go back to his old job, Mr Kutner went downtown to look for work.
After an unsuccessful morning, Mr Kutner decided to go to the deli to get a sandwich.
There was a long line at the deli, but after a while Mr Kutner was second in the line and the man in front of him was ordering.
"Hmmm. Do you have glucose-free bread? What about flourless? Is your salami good? What about your ham? I definitely do not want cheese, but I do want tomato. No, wait. No tomato. I want lettuce and pickles. Actually, I will have tomato. And mayonnaise. And salt and pepper. No, not pepper, just salt and mayonnaise. And cheese. I want cheese...."
Mr Kutner pulled out his defibrillator, shocked the indecisive sandwich man and ran out of the deli.
After calming himself down under a tree in a park, Mr Kutner decided to go home and eat some cereal rather than try and get a sandwich.
As he was walking home, Mr Kutner got stuck walking behind a young couple in love, strolling hand-in-hand down the street. The couple were walking incredibly slowly and were taking up the entire width of the footpath with their lovey-dovey hand-holding.
Mr Kutner pulled out his defibrillator paddles, placed one on each of the lovers and shocked them. They flew apart, clearing the path for Mr Kutner to make a speedy journey home.
Once back at his apartment, Mr Kutner poured himself a bowl of cereal, turned on the tv and began watching a news item about a crazed madman that the media had dubbed "The Professional Defibrillist". Mr Kutner was shocked and sickened with his own behaviour and vowed to return the defibrillator to the teaching hospital in the morning and to stop his wicked, defibrillating ways.
The next day, Mr Kutner got up early and went to the teaching hospital to return the defibrillator.
As he walked in the door of the teaching hospital he saw out of the corner of his eye a young man park in a carpark clearly labelled for the disabled.
Mr Kutner began walking towards the man and reached for his defibrillator...
"STOP!" yelled a sweet-sounding voice.
Mr Kutner turned around to see a beautiful young doctor with golden blonde hooker-like hair staring at him caringly.
"You must be The Professional Defibfrillist," said the beautiful blonde doctor. "I am The Incredible Caring Girl and I have amazing and unbelievable powers of unconditional caring. And I care about you. I sense that you are unhappy with your current shocking lifestyle, and because I care, I want to help you use your powers for good, not evil."
"I do want to use my powers for good," said Mr Kutner, "But I don't know how."
"I will help you. You can join our League Of Differential Diagnoses. We fight evil doers like Meningito, who swells his victims' brains. And Lupus The Elusive. And Amy LoDosis, who clogs her victims joints. And El 'C' Grande, who appears in many forms and is virtually unstoppable. We need your help to stop these bad guys. Please join our medical crime-fighting team and use your defibrillating powers to battle these nasty, invasive and infectious disease villains!"
"Yes! I will join you! Thank you for caring about me Incredible Caring Girl!"
And with that, Mr Kutner and The Incredible Caring Girl walked through the doors of the hospital together.
Mr Kutner followed The Incredible Caring Girl to a large office and saw 7 other super-doctors sitting at a table.
There was-
Wombato, who defeats opponents with his Spiky Peach Fuzz and his Shampoo Of Doom.
The Neurological Homey, who uses his powers of intense sarcasm to render his opponents stupid. He can also steal cars.
Surgio Plastique, who has amazing powers of surgical alteration and philanthropy.
Huntington's Bisexia, who steals sexuality.
The Clevaged Administrator, with astronomical powers of administration and sexing.
The Rebellious Pocket Protector, who specialises in rationalisation and righteousness. He is also the faithful sidekick to the leader of The League Of Differential Diagnoses known as-
Obsessionado The Limping Wonder Twerp, who uses his powers of obsession to diagnose the undiagnosable.
Mr Kutner was impressed with super-doctors. They were all so smart and sexy and doctory.
"I'm not sure I will fit in here." whispered Mr Kutner.
"Yes, of course you will," said The Incredible Caring Girl. "You have amazing powers of defibrillation! We need you here Professional Defibrillist!"
"Shut up! We have a case!" yelled Obsessionado The Limping Wonder Twerp.
And so, The Professional Defibrillist and The League Of Differential Diagnoses began another battle against an evil medical villain.
The End