Welcome to the Hellmouth
Buffy: Now, we can do this the hard way, or... well, actually there's just the hard way.
Darla: That's fine with me!
Buffy: Are you sure? Now, this is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content...

The Harvest
Giles: It may be that we are all that stands between the Earth and utter destruction.
Buffy: Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school.
Xander: Oh, yeah, that's a plan. Cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths.
Willow: Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that.
Buffy: I was thinking of a more subtle approach, ya know, like excessive not studying.
Giles: [to himself as the others are walking away] The Earth is doomed.

Joyce: Look what I found. It's my yearbook from junior year. [finds her picture] Oh, look! There I am.
Buffy: Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair.
Joyce: This is Gidget hair. Don't they teach you anything in history?

Teacher's Pet

Principal Flutie: We all need help with our feelings. Otherwise we bottle them up, and before you know it, powerful laxatives are involved. I really believe if we all reach out to one another we can beat this thing. I'm always here if you need a hug, [jumps back] but not a real hug! Because there's no touching, this school is sensitive to wrong touching.

Never Kill A Boy On The First Date
Giles: [about Owen's book selection] Oh, Emily Dickinson.
Buffy: We're both fans.
Giles: Yes, she's quite a good poet. I mean for a...
Buffy: [defensively] A girl?
Giles: For an American.

The Pack

Giles: Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate?
Buffy: Uh-huh.
Giles: And, there's been a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor?
Buffy: Yes.
Giles: And, well, otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles.
Buffy: It's bad, isn't it?
Giles: It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Of course you'll have to kill him.

Xander: I know you have feelings for this guy, but it's not like you're in love with him, right? [Buffy looks away] You’re in love with a vampire?! What are you, outta your mind?
Cordelia: What?!?
Xander: [to Cordelia] Not 'vampire' ... [to Buffy] How could you love an umpire? Everyone hates 'em!

I, Robot... You, Jane
Jenny: You kids really dig the library, don't you?
Buffy: We're literary.
Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.

The Puppet Show
Principal Snyder: My predecessor, Mr. Flutie, may have gone in for all that touchy-feely relating nonsense, but he was eaten. You're in my world now. And Sunnydale has touched and felt for the last time.

Joyce: You want to go to school?
Buffy: Sure! Why not?
Joyce: Okay. Good day to buy that lottery ticket.

Out Of Mind, Out Of Sight
Ms. Miller: But has Shylock suffered? What's his place in Venice society?
Willow: Well, everyone looked down on him.
Cordelia: That is such a twinkie defense. Shylock should get over himself. People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg! Like my pain meant nothing.

Prophecy Girl
Buffy: (about the prophecy in which she will die) So that's it, huh? I remember the drill. One slayer dies, the next one's called. I wonder who she is. Will you train her? Or will they send someone else?
Giles: Buffy... I...
Buffy: [wimpering] Does it say how he's gonna kill me? Do you think it'll hurt? [as Angel steps close to her] Don't touch me! Were you even gonna tell me?
Giles: I was hoping I wouldn't have to, that there was some way around it. I...
Buffy: I've got a way around it. I quit.
Angel: It's not that simple.
Buffy: I'm making it that simple. I quit. I resign, I-I'm fired, you can find someone else to stop The Master from taking over.
Giles: I'm not sure that anyone else can. All the... the signs indicate...
Buffy: [enraged, throwing books at Giles] The signs?! Read me the signs! Tell me my fortune! You're so useful sitting here with all of your books! You're really a lot of help!
Giles: I don't suppose I am
Angel: I know this is hard.
Buffy: What do you know about this? You're never gonna die
Angel: You think I want anything to happen to you? You think I could stand it? We just gotta figure out a way...
Buffy: I already did. I quit, remember. Pay attention!
Giles: Buffy, if the Master rises...
Buffy: I don't care! I don't care. Giles, I'm sixteen years old. I don't wanna die.

Season 2

When She Was Bad
Willow: She's possessed!
Giles: Possessed?
Willow: That's the only explanation that makes any sense. I mean, you should've seen her last night. That wasn't Buffy.
Xander: Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? [gets looks from the others and concedes] She's possessed.
Giles: Possessed by what?
Willow: Aaaaa possessing thing!
Giles: [sarcastically] Well, that narrows it down.
Xander: Well, you're the expert. Hey, maybe when the Master killed her some... mystical bad guy transference thing happened.
Willow: That's what it was! I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
Giles: Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out.
Xander: A bitcuh?

Some Assembly Required
Buffy: Are you jealous?
Angel: (laughs a bit) Of Xander? Please. He's just a kid.
Buffy: Is it 'cause I danced with him?
Angel: Danced with is a pretty loose term. Mated with might be a little closer.
Buffy: Don't you think you're being a little unfair? It was one little dance, which I only did to make you crazy, by the way. Behold my success.
Angel: I am not jealous.
Buffy: You're not jealous? What, vampires don't get jealous?
Angel: See? Whenever we fight you always bring up the vampire thing.

School Hard
Big Ugly: This weekend, the night of St. Vigeous, our power shall be at its peak. When I kill her, it'll be the greatest event since the crucifixion. And I should know. I was there.
Spike: You were there? Please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion actually was there, it would've been like Woodstock.
Big Ugly: I oughta rip your throat out.
Spike: I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person, and then I spent the next six hours watching my hand move.
[Big Ugly rushes Spike, who punches him out without even looking]
Spike: [to Collin] So, who do you kill for fun around here?
Collin: Who are you?
Spike: Spike. You're that Anointed guy. I read about you. You've got Slayer problems. That's a bad piece of luck. Do you know what I find works real good with Slayers? Killing them.
Collin: Can you?
Spike: [glancing at Big Ugly] A lot faster than nancy-boy there. Yeah, I did a couple Slayers in my time. I don't like to brag... [scoffs] Who am I kidding? I love to brag!

Inca Mummy Girl
Giles: You have responsibilities that other girls do not.
Buffy: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah biddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone.
Giles: It's as if you know me.

Reptile Boy
Giles: She lied to me?
Willow: Well...
Angel: Did... she have a date?
Willow: (to Angel) Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! (to Giles) And you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she's the Chosen One, but you're killing her with the pressure! I mean, she's sixteen going on forty! (to Angel) And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever! You don't have time for a cup of coffee?? [Awkward beat.] Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've got to help Buffy.

Buffy: Angel's a vampire, I thought you knew.
Cordelia: Oh, he's a vampire! Of course! But the cuddly kind, like a Care Bear with fangs.
Willow: It's true.
Cordelia: You know what I think? I just think you're trying to scare me off 'cause you're afraid of the competition. Look, Buffy, you may be hot stuff when it comes to demonology or whatever, but when it comes to dating, I'm the Slayer.

Lie To Me
Giles: I believe that's called growing up.
Buffy: Then I'd like to stop, okay?
Giles: I know the feeling.
Buffy: Does it ever get easy?
(Ford rises from the ground and attacks Buffy, she stakes him)
Giles: You mean life?
Buffy: Yeah. Does it get easy?
Giles: What do you want me to say?
Buffy: Lie to me.
Giles: Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.
Buffy: Liar.

The Dark Age

Xander: Yep, yep, I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met by day. By night, it was booze, whores, and fur flying. Were there whores?
Buffy: He was alone.
Xander: Give it time.

What's My Line Part One
Xander: What, and suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark.
Willow: You're not gonna be young forever.
Xander: Yes, but I'll always be stupid. [silence. He looks around] Let's not all rush to disagree.

What's My Line, Part Two
Oz: Oh, hey, animal cracker?
Willow: No, thank you. How's your arm?
Oz: Suddenly painless.
Willow: You can still play guitar okay?
Oz: Not well, but not worse.
Willow: You know, I never really thanked you.
Oz: Please don't. I don't do thanks. I get all red and I have to bail. It's not pretty.
Willow: Well then forget-that thing. Especially the part where I kind of owe you my life.
[Oz pulls a cracker from the box, hoping to change the subject.]
Oz: Look. Monkey. And he has a little hat. And little pants.
Willow: Yeah. I see.
Oz: The monkey is the only cookie animal that gets to wear clothes, you know that... You have the sweetest smile I've ever seen... So I'm wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sort of ripped? Like, is the hippo going, "hey man, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity." And you know the monkey's just, [in French accent] "I mock you with my monkey pants," then there's a big coup at the zoo...
Willow: The monkey's French?
Oz: All monkeys are French. You didn't know that?

Buffy: Vampires are creeps.
Giles: Yes, that's why one slays them.
Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas, and everyone's like, "I like your mini pizzas", but I'm telling you, I am—
Giles: Uh, Buffy! I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh... text.

Bad Eggs
Buffy: Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?
Xander: I think the word you're searching for is absent.
Willow: Tardy people show. And yes, he did notice, so he wanted me to give you this. [hands Buffy an egg]
Buffy: As far as punishments go, this is fairly abstract.
Willow: No, it's your baby!
Buffy: Okay, I get it even less.
Xander: You know it's the whole sex leads to responsibility thing, which I personally don't get. You gotta take care of the egg, it's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.
Willow: My egg is Jewish.
Xander: Then teach it that dreidel song.

Oz: I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting.
Willow: Oh! Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say "yes."
Oz: Yeah, it helps. It ... it creates a comfort zone. ... Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night?
Willow: [slaps forehead] Oh! I can't!
Oz: Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable.
Willow: Oh ... It's just, it's Buffy's birthday, and we're throwing her a surprise party.
Oz: It's okay.
Willow: But you could come! If you wanted.
Oz: Well, I don't want to crash.
Willow: No, it's fine! You could be my ... my date.
Oz: All right. I'm in. [nods farewell when she indicates she's ready to leave]
Willow: [walks off, delighted with the encounter] I said "date"!

Spike: Hurts, doesn't it?
Angelus: Well, you know, it kinda itches a little.
Spike: Don't just stand there. Burn him.
Angelus: Gee, maybe he's broken.
Spike: What the hell is going on?
Judge: This one ... cannot be burnt. He is clean.
Spike: Clean? You mean, he's ...
Judge: There's no humanity in him.
Angelus: I couldn't have said it better myself.
Drusilla: Angelus.
Angelus: Yeah, baby. I'm back.

Oz: You mean... you'd still...
Willow: Well, I like you. You're nice, and you're funny, and you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I'm not much fun to be around either.
Oz: You are quite the human.
Willow: So I'd still, if you'd still.
Oz: I'd still. I'd very still!
Willow: Okay. No biting, though.
Oz: Agreed.
[Willow walks off, then runs back and gives Oz a quick but thorough kiss. She leaves again.]
Oz: Huh. A werewolf in love.

Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered
Xander: Buff, for the love of God, don't open that raincoat.
Buffy: Come on! It's a party! Aren't you gonna open your present?
Xander: It's not that I don't want to. Sometimes the remote impossible possibility that you might like me was all that sustained me. But not now. Not like this. This isn't real to you, you're only here because of a spell. I mean, if I thought you had one clue what it would mean to me, but you don't, so I can't.
Buffy: [angered] So you're saying this is all a game?
Xander: A game? I... No!
Buffy: You make me feel this way, and then you reject me? What am I, a toy?
Xander: Buffy, please calm down.
Buffy: I'll calm down when you explain yourself!
Amy: Get away from him. He's mine.
Buffy: Oh, I don't think so. Xander, tell her.
Xander: What? I, uh...
Amy: He doesn't have to say. I know what his heart wants.
Buffy: Funny, I know what your face wants. [Buffy punches Amy hard in the face] What is this, you're two-timing me?
Amy: Goddess Hecate, work thy will...
Xander: Uh-oh.
Amy: ... Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!

Angelus: Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping...waiting...and though unwanted...unbidden...it will stir...open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us...guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. the joy of love...the clarity of hatred...and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd truly be dead.

Killed By Death
[Willow brings Buffy, who is in hospital, her homework]
Buffy: Homework.
Willow: It's my way of saying get well soon.
Buffy: You know, chocolate says that even better.
Willow: I did all your assignments. All you have to do is sign your name.
Buffy: Chocolate means nothing to me.

I Only Have Eyes For You
Buffy: Impulsive? Do you remember my ex-boyfriend, the vampire? I slept with him, he lost his soul, now my boyfriend's gone forever, and the demon that wears his face is killing my friends. The next impulsive decision I make will involve my choice of dentures.
Willow: Okay, the Angel thing went badly, I'm on board with that, but that's not your fault. And anyways, love isn't always like that. Love can be... nice!

Go Fish
Buffy: Tell me what's in the steam!
Coach Marin: After the fall of the Soviet Union, documents came into light detailing experiments with fish DNA in their Olympic swimmers. Tarpon, mako shark... But they couldn't crack it.
Buffy: And you did... sort of. Why?
Coach Marin: What kind of question is that? For the win! To make my team the best they could be! Do you understand we have a shot at the State Championship?
Buffy: Do you understand that I don't care? It's over. There's not gonna be any Swim Team.
Coach Marin: Boy, when they were handing out school spirit, you didn't even stand in line, did you?
Buffy: No. I was in the line for shred of sanity. (Coach Marin pulls out a gun, aiming at her) Which you obviously skipped.

Becoming, Part One
Spike: It's a big rock. Can't wait to tell my friends, they all don't have a rock this big.

Becoming, Part Two
Xander: Giles!
Giles: Xander?
Xander: [untying Giles] Can you walk?
Giles: You're not real.
Xander: Sure I'm real.
Giles: It's a trick. They get inside my head, make me see things I want.
Xander: Then why would they make you see me?
Giles: Oh right. Let's go.

Season Three


Willow: That's right, big boy. Come and get it.
[after the vampire has escaped]
Xander: First of all, what was with the acrobatics? How did that happen?
Oz: Wasn't Andy Hoelich on the gymnastics team?
Xander: That's right, he was! [yells at Andy] Cheater! [turns back] Okay, and the, uh, second problem I'm having -- "Come and get it, Big Boy"?
Willow: Well, w-w-well, the Slayer always says a pun, or-or a witty play on words, and, I think it throws the vampires off! And, and it makes them frightened, because I'm wisecracking. Okay, I didn't really have a chance to work on that one, but you try it every time!
Oz: Uh, if I may suggest, "This time it's personal." I mean, there's a reason why it's a classic.

Dead Man's Party
Buffy: Fine, okay, I can take my lumps. For awhile.
Willow: All right, I'll stop giving you a hard time. (pause) Runaway.
Buffy: Will!
Willow: I'm sorry ... quitter.
Buffy: Whiner.
Willow: Bailer.
Buffy: Harpy.
Willow: Delinquent.
Buffy: Tramp.
Willow: Bad seed.
Buffy: Witch.
Willow: Freak.

Faith, Hope and Trick
Buffy: Angel was cured.
Giles: I'm sorry?
Buffy: When I killed him, Angel was cured. [to Willow] Your spell worked at the last minute, Will. I was about to take him out, and, um, something went through him, and he was Angel again. He-he didn't remember anything that he'd done. He just held me. Um, but i-it was, it was too late, and I, I had to. So I-I told him that I loved him, I kissed him, and I killed him.

Beauty and The Beasts
Giles: Our task now is to determine what sort of killer we are dealing with. Quite clearly, we're looking for a depraved, sadistic animal.
[Oz comes in.]
Oz: Present. Hey, I may be a cold-blooded jelly doughnut, but my timing is impeccable.

Buffy: Hey.
Willow: Hi! How are you? You good? You look good. Anything new? Hey, did I mention you look good?
Buffy: Willow, it's okay that you're helping Cordelia. We're best friends. I'm not gonna hold it against you.
Willow: No, I'm not a friend, I'm a rabid dog who should be shot! But there're forces at work here! Dark, incomprehensible forces.
Buffy: And I'm sure they're more important than all we've been through together, or... the number of times that I've saved your life.
Willow: What do you want?
Buffy: Fifteen minutes alone on your computer with Cordelia's database.
Willow: 'kay.

Band Candy
Xander: I don't get this. The candy's supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I've had a ton and I don't feel any diff- never mind.

Giles: Be quiet. I won't remind you that the fate of the world often lies with the Slayer. What would be the point? Nor shall I remind you that you've jeopardized the lives of all that you hold dear by harboring a known murderer. But sadly, I must remind you that Angel tortured me... for hours... for pleasure. You should have told me he was alive. You didn't. You have no respect for me, or the job I perform.

Lovers Walk

Spike: She wouldn't even kill me. She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared? It was that truce with Buffy that did it. Dru said I'd gone soft. Wasn't demon enough for the likes of her. And I told her it didn't mean anything, I was thinking of her the whole time, but she didn't care. So, we got to Brazil, and she was... she was just different. I gave her everything: beautiful jewels, beautiful dresses with beautiful girls in them, but nothing made her happy. And she would fliiirt! I caught her on a park bench, making out with a Chaos demon! Have you ever seen a Chaos demon? They're all slime and antlers. They're disgusting... She only did it to hurt me. So I said, "I'm not putting up with this anymore." And she said, "Fine!" And I said, "Yeah, I've got an unlife, you know!" And then she said... she said we could still be friends. [leans over and sobs on Willow's shoulder.] God, I'm so unhappy!
Willow: [tentatively pats his knee.] There, there.

The Wish
Cordelia: I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale!
Anya: Done! [nothing happens, Anya is confused]
Cordelia: That would be cool!
Anya: Done! [again nothing happens]
Cordelia: And I wish that Xander Harris never again knows the touch of a woman. And that Willow wakes up tomorrow covered in monkey hair.
Anya: Done!
Cordelia: In fact, I wish all men except maybe the dumb and the really agreeable kind disappear off the face of the earth. That would be so cool! Or maybe...

Xander: So, you doing anything special?
Buffy: Tree, nog, roast beast. Just me and Mom, and hopefully an excess of gifts. [to Willow] What are you doing for Christmas?
Willow: Being Jewish. Remember, people? Not everyone worships Santa.

Cordelia: I came by to tell Buffy to stop all of this craziness and found you all unconscious ... again. How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? I swear, one of these times, you're gonna wake up in a coma.
Giles: Wake up in a c... ? Oh, never mind. We need to save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel.
Cordelia: Now, let's be clear. The brain damage happened before I hit you.

Buffy: Before I was the Slayer I was ... Well, I- I don't wanna say shallow, but let's say a certain person, who will remain nameless, we'll just call her "Spordelia," looked like a classical philosopher next to me. Angel, if I'm not the slayer, what do I do? What do I have to offer? Why would you like me?
Angel: I saw you before you became the slayer.
Buffy: What?
Angel: I watched you, I saw you called, it was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps and ... I loved you.
Buffy: Why?
Angel: Because I could see your heart. You held it before you for everyone to see, and I was worried that it would get bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life, I wanted to keep it safe. To warm it with my own.
Buffy: That's beautiful ... Or, taken literally, incredibly gross.
Angel: I was just thinking that too.

The Zeppo
[Thinking he's alone, Xander discovers a bomb in basement of the school]
Xander: [to bomb] Hello, nasty. [to himself] Less than two minutes. Dumb guy. Little bomb. How hard can it be?
[Jack, leader of the zombie gang, knocks him to the floor]
Jack: And it just got harder.
Xander: I'm not leaving 'til that thing's disarmed.
Jack: Then I guess you're not leaving. I'm gonna carve you up and serve you with gravy. You piss me off, boy. Now you pay the price. First the eyes, then the tongue. I'm gonna break every one of your fingers.
Xander: You gonna do all that in forty-nine seconds?
[Jack looks at the bomb's clock, then the door, then Xander.]
Xander: I know what you're thinking. Can I get by him? Get up the stairs, out of the building, seconds ticking away. I don't love your chances.
Jack: Then you'll die, too.
Xander: Yeah, looks like. So I guess the question really is: Who has less fear?
Jack: I'm not afraid to die. I'm already dead.
Xander: Yeah, but this is different. Being blown up isn't walking-around-and-drinking-with-your-buddies dead. It's little-pieces-being-swept-up-by-a-janitor dead, and I don't think you're ready for that.
Jack: Are you?
Xander: [tired smile] I like the quiet.

Bad Girls
Buffy: New Watcher?
Giles: New Watcher.
Wesley: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, it's very nice to meet you.
Buffy: Is he evil?
Wesley: Evil?
Buffy: The last one was evil.
Wesley: Oh yes, Gwendolyn Post, we all heard. No, Mr. Giles has checked my credentials ... rather thoroughly, phoned the Council. But I'm glad to see you're on the ball as well. A good Slayer is a cautious Slayer.
Buffy: Is he evil?
Giles: Not in the strictest sense.

Faith: You sent your boy to kill me.
Mayor Wilkins: That's right, I did.
Faith: He's dust.
Mayor Wilkins: I thought he might be, what with you standing here and all.
Faith: I guess that means you have a job opening.

Willow: It's horrible! That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil and...skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay.
Buffy: Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was.
Angel: Well, actually... [Buffy gives him a look] That's a good point.

Xander: Got the address. I beat it out of Willy the snitch personally.
Buffy: You beat up Willy?
Xander: Sure. Well, actually, let's just say I applied some pressure. Or more accurately, that I asked politely. And then... Okay, I bribed him.
Buffy: How much?
Xander: Twenty-eight bucks. Does the council reimburse for that kinda stuff?
Giles: Did you get a receipt?
Xander: Damn...

Buffy: You had sex with Giles? You had sex with Giles?!
Joyce: It was the candy! We were teenagers!
Buffy: On the hood of a police car?!
Joyce: [goes to leave, glances back] I'll be downstairs. [exits] You feel better!
Buffy: Twice!?

Faith: Give me the speech again, please. "Faith, we're still your friends. We can help you. It's not too late."
Willow: It's way too late. You know, it didn't have to be this way. But you made your choice. I know you had a tough life. I know that some people think you had a lot of bad breaks. Well, boo hoo! Poor you! You know, you had a lot more in your life than some people. I mean, you had friends in your life like Buffy. Now you have no one. You were a slayer and now you're nothing. You're just a big, selfish, worthless waste.
[Faith knocks Willow to the ground.]
Faith: You hurt me, I hurt you. I'm just a little more efficient.
Willow: [stands up] Aw, and here I just thought you didn't have a comeback.

The Prom
Anya: The power of the Wish made me a righteous sword to smite the unfaithful.
Xander: Well, hey! Good luck with that. Hope it works out for you.
Anya: You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
Xander: Then why you talking to me?
Anya: [averting her eyes] I don't have a date for the prom.
Xander: Well, gosh! I wonder why not. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch?
Anya: Men are evil... Will you go with me?
Xander: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which.
Anya: When I lost my powers I got stuck with this persona, and now I have all these feelings. I don't understand it. I don't like it. All I know is I really want to go to this dance and I want someone to go with me.
Anya: Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts.
Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that it just means his eyes are open.
Anya: Whatever. Look, do you wanna go with me or not?
[Xander's eyes lower for a second, then flick back up to Anya's face.]

Graduation Day Part One
[After Willow and Harmony have signed each other's yearbooks.]
Willow: I'm going to miss her.
Buffy: Don't you hate her?
Willow: Yes, with a fiery vengeance. She picked on me for ten years. Vacuous tramp... It's like a sickness, Buffy. I'm missing everything. I miss P.E.!

Graduation Day Part Two
Cordelia: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.
Oz: We attack the Mayor with hummus.
Cordelia: I stand corrected.
Oz: Just keeping things in perspective.
Cordelia: My point however is, crazy or not, it's pretty much the only plan. Besides, it's Buffy's, and she's Slay Gal, you know, Little Miss Likes-to-fight. So...
Xander: I think there was a 'yea' vote buried in there somewhere.
Angel: Well, he's not crazy about germs.
Cordelia: Of course. That's it! We'll attack him with germs!
Buffy: Great! We'll get him cornered, and then you can sneeze on him.
Cordelia: No! No. We'll get a container of Ebola virus, and... and, um... or -- it doesn't even have to be real. We could just get a box that says "Ebola" on it, and, um... [snaps her fingers] chase him. [everyone is silent] ...With the box.
Xander: I'm starting to lean towards the hummus offensive.
Oz: He'll never see it coming.

Season Four

The Freshman
Xander: Buffy, this is all about fear. It's understandable, but you can't let it control you. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger. - No, wait, hold on. - Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side. - Hold on, no. Ahm... First you get the women, then you get the money, then you... - OK, can we forget that?
Buffy: Thanks for Dadaist pep talk. I feel much more abstract now.
Xander: The point is, you're Buffy.
Buffy: Yeah. Maybe in high school I was Buffy.
Xander: And now in college you're Betty Louise?
Buffy: Yeah, I'm Betty Louise Plotnick of East Cupcake, Illinois. I might as well be.
Xander: [...] Let me tell you something. When it's dark and I'm all alone, and I'm scared or freaked out or whatever, I always think “What would Buffy do?” You're my hero. OK, sometimes when it's dark and I'm all alone, I think “What is Buffy wearing?”

Living Conditions
Buffy: [about Kathy] You're right. Ooh! She's even affecting my work, now. She's the Titanic. She's a crawling black cancer!
[She brings her foot up, around and down onto a bench, breaking it in two.]
Buffy: She's... other really bad things.
Oz: On the plus side you've killed the bench, which was looking shifty.

The Harsh Light Of Day
Anya: I can't stop thinking about you. Sometimes, in my dreams, you're all naked.
Xander: Really? You know, if I'm in the checkout lane at the Wal-Mart, I've had that same one.

Fear, Itself
[After defeating Gachnar, Giles looks back at the small image of him in the book]
Giles: Bloody hell, the inscription!
Buffy: What?
Giles: I should've translated the Gaelic inscription beneath the picture.
Buffy: What does it say?
Giles: ... Actual size

Beer Bad
Xander: And was there a lesson in all this? huh? What did we learn about beer?
Buffy: Foamy.
Xander: Good, just as long as that's clear. Anyways I think the boys in the car are contained for the time being. This'll give them some time to ponder the geo-political ramifications of being mean to me!

Wild At Heart
Willow: How come you didn't tell me I look like a crazy birthday cake in this shirt?
Buffy: I thought that was the point.

The Initiative
Willow: OK, say that I help and you start a conversation. It goes great. You like Buffy, she likes you. You spend time together, feelings grow deeper and one day, without even realizing it, you find you're in love. Time stops and it feels like the whole world's made for you two and you two alone, until the day one of you leaves and rips the still-beating heart from the other, who's now a broken, hollow mockery of the human condition.
Riley: [taken aback] Yep, that's the plan.
Willow: I figured it was.

Spike: Oh, someone put a stake in me!
Xander: You gotta lot of volunteers in here.
Spike: I just can't take all this namby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians.
Willow: Uh, the preferred term is-
Spike: You won. All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. That's what Caesar did, and he's not going around saying, "I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it." The history of the world is not people making friends. You had better weapons, and you massacred them. End of story.
Buffy: Well, I think the Spaniards actually did a lot of-- Not that I don't like Spaniards.
Spike: Listen to you. How you gonna fight anyone with that attitude?
Willow: We don't wanna fight anyone.
Buffy: I just wanna have Thanksgiving.
Spike: Heh. Yeah...Good luck.
Willow: If we could talk to him--
Spike: You exterminated his race. What could you possibly say that would make him feel better? It's kill or be killed here. Take your bloody pick.
Xander: Maybe it's the syphilis talking, but... some of that made sense.
Giles: I made a lot of these points earlier, but fine, no one listens to me.

Something Blue
Spike: Passions is on! Timmy's down a bloody well, and if you make me miss it I'll -
Giles: Do what? Lick me to death?

[Xander ties Spike to a chair before getting into bed.]
Spike: Don't see why I have to be tied up.
Xander: It's just while I'm sleeping.
Spike: Like I'd bite you, anyway.
Xander: Oh, you would.
Spike: Not bloody likely.
Xander: I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist and delicious.
Spike: Alright, yeah, fine. You're a nummy treat.
Xander: And don't you forget it.

Xander: I have to get to work
Spike: Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread. Doing your part to keep America constipated.

A New Man
Professor Walsh: It's only our methods that differ; we use the latest in scientific technology and state of the art weaponry and you, if I understand correctly, poke them with a sharp stick.
Buffy: Er, its more effective then it sounds-
Maggie Walsh: Oh, I'm - quite sure of that. As I'm just as sure that we can learn much from each other. I'm working on getting you clearance into the Initiative, I think you'll find the results of our operation most impressive. Agent Finn here alone has killed and captured... How many is it?
Riley: Seventeen : eleven vampires, six demons.
Buffy: Oh... wow. I mean, that's... seventeen.
Maggie Walsh: What about you?
Buffy: Me?
Maggie Walsh: How many Hostiles would you say you've slain?
Buffy: [uncomfortably searches for the right words]

The I In Team
Willow: Guess she's out with Riley. You know how it is with a spanking new boyfriend.
Anya: [offhandedly while stacking her chips] Yes, we've enjoyed spanking.
[Xander loses control of the deck he was shuffling.]

Goodbye Iowa
[Buffy, Willow, and Anya are watching Road Runner in bed in Xander's Basement]
Buffy: That would never happen.
Willow: Well no, Buff. That's why they're called cartoons not documentaries.

This Years Girl
Joyce: You don't know the first thing about Buffy. Or me.
Faith: Don't I? I know what it's like. You think you matter. You think you're a part of something and you get dumped. It's like the whole world is moving but you're stuck. Like those animals in the tar pits. It's like you just keep sinking a little deeper everyday and nobody even sees.
Joyce: [sounding bored] Were you planning to slit my throat anytime soon?
Faith: Don't tell me you don't see it, Joyce. You served your purpose. You squirted out the kid, raised her up, and now you might as well be dead! I mean, nobody cares! Nobody remembers! Especially not Buffy-fabulous-super-hero! Sooner or later you're gonna have to face it. She was over us a long time ago, Joyce. [voice rising to a shout] Too busy climbing onto her new boy toy to give a single thought to the people that matter! I mean, you're her mother and she just leaves you here to die!
Buffy: [Dives in through the window, punches Faith] Hi, Mom!
Joyce: Hi, honey.

Who Are You

[Buffy tries to convince Giles she truly is Buffy, despite being trapped in Faith's body.]
Buffy [in Faith's body]: Giles, you turned into a demon and I knew it was you. I mean, can't you just look into my eyes and be all intuitive?
Giles: How did I turn into a demon?
Buffy [in Faith's body]: Oh! 'cause, uh... Ethan Rayne! And you have a girlfriend named Olivia, and you haven't had a job since we blew up the school - which is valid, lifestyle-wise. I mean, it's not like you're a slacker type, but... Oh, oh! When I had psychic power, I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during sex. Wh-Do you want me to continue?
Giles: Actually, I beg you to stop.
Buffy [in Faith's body]: What's a stevedore?

[Giles is singing and playing "Behind Blue Eyes" by The Who at an espresso bar. Anya, Willow, Xander and Tara watch from the door, amazed. All three girls are riveted; Willow's and Anya's mouths are hanging open.]
Anya: Oh.
Willow: Wow.
Xander: Um, could we go back to the haunted house? Cause, this is creeping me out.
Tara: Does he do this a lot?
Xander: [sarcastic.] Sure. Every day the earth rotates backward and the skies turn orange.
Willow: Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him.
Tara: Well, he is pretty good.
Anya: His voice is... pleasant.
Xander: [incredulous.] What?!
Willow: Oh, come on, he is kinda sexy.
Xander: I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more fueling the fire, please.

New Moon Rising
Willow: [Speaking of Oz's return] It's complicated...because of Tara.
Buffy: You mean Tara has a crush on Oz? No... [suddenly realizes Willow is in love with Tara] Oh!!

The Yoko Factor
Xander: Maybe that all changes when I'm off doin' sit-ups in Fort Dix!
Giles: Fort Dix? [begins to giggle hysterically]
Buffy: Are you drunk?
Giles: [finishes laughing] Yes, quite a bit, actually.
Buffy: Well, stop it!!
Buffy: You guys, stop this! What happened to you today?!
Willow: It's not today! Buffy, things have been wrong for a while, don't you see that?
Buffy: [perturbed] What do you mean 'wrong?'
Willow: Well, things certainly haven't been right since Tara. We have to face it, you can't handle Tara being my girlfriend...
Xander: No, it was back before that, since you two went off to college and forgot about me. Just left me in the basement to- Tara's your girlfriend?!
Giles: [from upstairs, still drunk] Bloody hell!

[Buffy explains Adam's evil plan]
Xander: Does anyone else miss the Mayor? "I just wanna be a big snake"?

Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: Where are you from, Harris?
Xander as Captain Willard: Well, the basement, mostly.
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: Were you born there?
Xander as Captain Willard: Possibly.

Season 5

Buffy Vs Dracula
Buffy: So let me get this straight. You're... Dracula. The guy. The Count.
Dracula: I am.
Buffy: And you're sure this isn't just some fanboy thing? Because... I've fought more than a couple of pimply overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat.
Dracula: You know who I am. As I would know without question that you are Buffy Summers.
Buffy: You've heard of me?
Dracula: Naturally. You're known throughout the world.
Buffy: Naw. Really?
Dracula: Why else would I come here? For the sun? I came to meet the renowned... killer.
Buffy: Yeah, I prefer the term Slayer. You know, killer just sounds so...
Dracula: Naked?
Buffy: Like I... paint clowns or something. I'm the good guy, remember?
Dracula: Perhaps, but your power is rooted in darkness. You must feel it.
Buffy: No. You know what I feel? Bored.
[She attempts to stake Dracula, but he repeatedly dissipates into mist to avoid her]
Buffy: Okay. That's cheating.

Real Me
Buffy: Giles, are you sure about this?
Giles: Why wouldn't I be?
Buffy: Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer... and have you ever run a store before?
Giles: I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they don't return. It'll give me focus, increase my resources. And it'll prevent you lot from trampling all over my flat at all hours. There may even be some space for you to train in the back.
Buffy: Boy, you've really thought this through... How bored were you last year?
Giles: I watched "Passions" with Spike. Let us never speak of it.

The Replacement
Anya: Well, what do we do if it doesn't work?
Both Xanders: [simultaneously] Kill us both, Spock! [both laugh]
Buffy: They're... kinda the same now.
Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.

Out Of My Mind
Doctor: [To Harmony] You can't smoke in here
Harmony: [Holding a Crossbow] Oh yeah, says who? [Doctor points to a "No Smoking" sign] Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't see the sign.

No Place Like Home
Buffy: [pulls a glowing orb out of her bag] What the hell is it?
Giles: It appears to be paranormal in origin.
Willow: How can you tell?
Giles: Well, it's so shiny.

Buffy: You want her, Mr. Maclay? You can go ahead and take her. You just gotta go through me.
Mr. Maclay: What?
Buffy: You heard me! You wanna take Tara out of here against her will? You gotta come through me.
Dawn: And me!
Mr. Maclay: Is this a joke? I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls!
Dawn: You don't wanne mess with us.
Buffy: She's a hairpuller.
Giles: And you're not just dealing with two little girls.
Xander: You're dealing with all of us.
Spike: [Holds up hand] Except me.
Xander: Except Spike.
Spike: I don't care what happens.

Fool For Love
Xander: [re: Riley’s commando hand movements] What's with the hand move? D’you see that? Does that, like, mean somethin’?
Willow: It's code. I think it breaks down to "choo-choo." [mimics pulling a train whistle]
Anya: It probably means to follow him. That, or wait here for him.
Xander: Hey Riley! What's the [Mimics gesture] all about?
Riley: It means yell real loud, so the vampires who don't know we're coming will have a sporting chance.


Anya: Hey. Hey! HEY! HEY!!!
Giles: Anya, your "heys" are startling the customers.
Xander: And pretty much the state!
Anya: You sold somebody a Kohl's amulet and a Sobekian bloodstone!
Giles: Yes, I believe I did.
Anya: Are you stupid or something?
Giles: Allow me to answer that question with a firing.
Xander: She's kidding. An, we talked about the employee-employer vocabulary no-nos. That was number five.

Listening To Fear
Joyce: Dawn... she's not mine is she?
Buffy: No.
Joyce: She's... she does belong to us though.
Buffy: Yes she does,
Joyce: And she's important... to the world, precious. As precious as you are to me... Then we have to take care of her. Buffy, promise me, if anything happens, if I don't come through this-
Buffy: Mom-
Joyce: No, listen to me. No matter what she is, she still feels like my daughter. I have to know that you'll take care of her, that you'll keep her safe, that you'll love her like I love you.
Buffy: I promise.

Into The Woods
Xander: [to Anya] I've gotta say something, 'cause I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do, the way you think, the way you move. I get excited every time I'm about to see you. You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life... like a man. I just thought you might like to know.


Willow: Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like, like... trying to hit a puppy by throwing a live bee at it. Which is a weird image and you should all just forget it.
Anya: It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday, or the crazy melty land, or, you know, the world without shrimp.
Tara: There's a world without shrimp? [pause] I-I'm allergic.


Buffy: Just tell me what kind of demon I'm fighting.
Quentin Travers: Well, that's the thing, you see. Glory isn't a demon.
Buffy: What is she?
Quentin: She's a god.
Buffy: Oh.

Blood Ties
Dawn: I just think you're freakin' out 'cause you have to fight someone prettier than you. That is the case, right?
Buffy: Glory is evil. And powerful. And in no way prettier than me.

Harmony: Who is-? Oh wait, I get it. Our little sex game was just the beginning, now you've gone and picked up some cheap queen of the damned to dress up like your precious Drudzilla.
Spike: Harm-
Harmony: You'd better not be thinking what I think you're thinking, because my answer is the same as always. No threesomes unless it's boy, boy, girl, or Charlize Theron.
Spike: Harm, you moron, this is Drusilla.
Harmony: You have got some nerve coming back here after breaking my Boo-Boo's heart.
Drusilla: [Mouths to Spike] Boo-Boo?

I was Made To Love You
Giles: A fourteen-year-old is too old to be babysat, it's not fair to her.
Buffy: What'd she make you do?
Giles: Well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance, and we ate cookie dough and talked about boys.
Buffy: [laughs] Oh, I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry, but if it makes you feel any better, my fun-time Buffy party night involved watching a robot throw Spike through a window. So if you wanna trade... No wait, I wouldn't give that memory up for anything.

The Body
Anya: I mean, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.
Xander: The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop.
Tara: There's a Santa Claus?
Anya: Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. But he wasn't always called Santa. But with, you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney — all true.
Dawn: All true?
Anya: Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children. But otherwise...
Tara: The reindeer part was nice.

[Spike meets Willow and Xander outside Buffy's house. Spike is carrying flowers]
Spike: I'm not going in.
Xander: And you're not leaving those. You really think you're going to score points with Buffy this way?
Spike: This isn't about Buffy.
Xander: Bull. We're all hip to your doomed obsession.
Spike: They're for Joyce.
Xander: Like you cared about her. [Spike moves closer to Xander]
Willow: Guys. Not here.
Spike: Care? Joyce was the only one of the lot of you I could stand.
Xander: And she was the only one with a daughter you wanted to shag. I'm touched.
Spike: I liked the lady. Understand, monkey boy? She was decent. She didn't put on airs. And she was the only one who didn't treat me like a freak.
Xander: Her mistake.
Spike: [scoffs] Think what you want. [He throws the flowers to the ground and stomps off]
Xander: Un ... believable. The guy thinks he can put on a big show and con Buffy into being his sex monkey.
Willow: [looking at flowers] Xander... He didn't leave a card.


Xander: No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sorta compact but well-muscled.
Buffy: I am not having sex with Spike! But I'm starting to think that you might be!

Tough Love
Xander: Whatever you choose, you've got my support. Just think of me as... as your... You know, I'm searching for supportive things and I'm coming up all bras. So, something slightly more manly, think of me as that.

[On the run from Glory, Giles calms the gang while they wait for Buffy to bring transportation.]
Giles: Look, everything will be alright. We just need to stay here, calm. As soon as Buffy arrives—
[A boxy, beaten-up mobile home pulls up to pick them up.]
Giles: ... we'll feel oddly worse.

The Weight Of The World
Young Buffy: Do you like dolls?
Willow: No, and I think we already deja'd this vu.
Young Buffy: You talk funny.
Willow: Yes, as you will tell me again when we are older and in chem class.

The Gift
Buffy: This is how many apocalypses for us now?
Giles: Oh, uh, six at least. Feels like a hundred.
Buffy: I've always beaten them. Always won.
Giles: Yes.
Buffy: I sacrificed Angel to save the world. I loved him so much, but I knew what was right. I don't have that anymore. I don't understand. I don't know how to live in this world, if these are the choices, if everything just gets stripped away. I don't see the point. I just wish- I just wish my mom was here.

Season 6

Bargaining Part One
Giles: [sadly] I just can't help but wonder if... she would have been better off without me. Buffy.
Buffybot: I don't think that's true. You were very helpful to her.
Giles: [laughs bitterly] Right. Yes, I was a perfect Watcher. I did what any good Watcher would do - got my Slayer killed in the line of duty.
Buffybot: Oh, that wasn't your fault.
Giles: Of course not. That's how all Slayer-Watcher relationships end, isn't it? She's gone. I did my job.
Buffybot: [innocently] Then why are you still here?

Bargaining Part Two
Xander: I know we've been going straight because I've been following the North Star.
Willow: Xander, that's not the North Star, it's an airplane.

After Life
Spike: Well, I haven't been to a hell dimension just of late, but I do know a thing or two about torment.
Buffy: [looking down] I was happy.
[Spike stares at her, confused and shocked]
Buffy: Wherever I ... was ... I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time ... didn't mean anything ... nothing had form ... but I was still me, you know? And I was warm ... and I was loved ... and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about theology or dimensions, or ... any of it, really ... but I think I was in heaven. And now I'm not. [near tears] I was torn out of there. Pulled out ... by my friends. Everything here is ... hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch ... this is hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that ... knowing what I've lost... [pause] They can never know. Never.

Buffy: OK, so you're telling me I'm broke?
Willow: Not yet, but-
Tara: Money's definitely becoming an issue.
Xander: As in you're being almost out of it.
Buffy: But I haven't spent any money! I was all... dead and frugal.
Dawn: So what do we do?
Buffy: Easy, we burn the house to the ground and collect the insurance. Plus, fire? Pretty. [The Scoobies look at Buffy in horror] You guys, I'm kidding. OK, it's bills, it's money, it's pieces of paper sent by bureaucrats that we've never even met. It's not like it's the end of the world... which is too bad, you know, 'cause that, I'm really good at.

Life Serial
Tara: I don't know about everybody else, but I would love some chicken.
Giles: Yes, as would I!
Dawn: I'll take a drumstick.
Willow: I'm a breast girl myself. [Glances at Tara] But, then again, you knew that.

All The Way
[Xander has announced his engagement to Anya; the two are kissing with uncomfortable intensity.]
Buffy: [softly] Did you know about this?
Giles: No. Unless I blocked it from my memory, much as I will Xander's vigorous use of his tongue.
[Giles takes off his glasses and cleans them on his shirt]
Buffy: [shocked] Is that why you're always cleaning your glasses? So you won't have to see what we're doing?
Giles: Tell no one.

Once More With Feeling
Anya: She came from the grave much graver.
Spike: First he'll kill her, then I'll save her.
Tara: Everything is turning out so dark.
Buffy: Going through the motions...
Spike: No, I'll save her, then I'll kill her.
Willow: I think this line's mostly filler...
Giles: What's it gonna take to strike a spark?
Buffy: These endless days are finally ending in a blaze
All: And we are caught in the fire
The point of no return.
So we will walk through the fire,
And let it

Tabula Rasa
Dawn: You want me to name you?
Buffy: Oh, that's sweet, but I think I can name myself. I'll name me... "Joan".
Dawn: Ugh.
Buffy/Joan: What? Did you just "ugh" my name?
Dawn: No, I just... I mean, Joan, it's so blah.
Buffy/Joan: I like it. I feel like a "Joan".
Dawn: Fine, that's your purgative.
Buffy/Joan: "Prerogative".
Dawn: Whatever, Joan.
Buffy/Joan: Whatever, Umad.
Buffy/Joan/Dawn: [unison.] Boy, you're a pain in the... / Boy, you're bossy!
Dawn: Do you think we're-
Buffy: Sisters?
[They smile and hug each other.]
Spike: [watching them hug] [to Giles] You never showed me affection like that... [Giles looks at him, bewildered] I'd wager.

Buffy: Hey... how've you been?
Amy: Rat. You?
Buffy: Dead.
Amy: Oh.

Buffy: Will you quit that? The only thing that's different is that I'm disgusted with myself. That's the power of your charms. Last night... was the most perverse... degrading experience of my life.
Spike: Yeah. Me too.
Buffy: That might get you off, but it's not my style.
Spike: No. It's your calling.

Anya: Like pudding, am I right? Rice or tapioca, lumpy like that.
Xander: We have to find Buffy, she's gotta know.
Anya: I don't think Buffy's going to be too broken up over a pylon.
Xander: Anya, whatever's happening to the pylon will probably happen to her. If we don't find Buffy, I mean, if we don't figure out how this was done...
Anya: She's pudding.

Doublemeat Palace
Buffy: We need to get that burger analyzed. We need to find out if it used to be people.
Xander: [with mouth full] What? People?
Buffy: Xander! You ate the burger?
Xander: Well, first you say it's cat. Then you come in, hand me a burger, blah blah blah, five minutes later, "Oh, by the way, it happens to be hot, delicious human flesh"?
Buffy: I needed that burger to analyze it. Now I'm gonna have to get another one.
Xander: That's your problem with this scenario? You getting seconds?

Dead Things
Willow: These things just made you think you killed her.
Xander: She was probably dead long before you stumbled across her.
Buffy: It wasn't the demons. It was Warren. He knew Katrina. He had something to do with it, I know it.
Willow: How can you be sure?
Buffy: You always hurt the one you love.

Older And Far Away
[Spike's attempt to get intimate with Buffy is interrupted by Tara's arrival.]
Spike: I had a... muscle cramp. Buffy was, uh, helping.
Tara: A muscle cramp? In your... pants?
Spike: What? It's a thing.

As You Were
Riley: You want me to say I like seeing you in bed with that idiot? Or that blinding orange is your very best color? Or that that burger smell is appealing?
Buffy: You smelled the smell?
Riley: Buffy, none of that means anything, it doesn't touch you. You're still the first woman I ever loved and the strongest woman I've ever known. And, I'm not advertising this to the missus, but you're still quite the hottie.
Buffy: You know, it goes away after many bathings.

Hells Bells
[As Xander wanders the streets in the rain, Anya recites a final version]
Anya: I, Anya, want to marry you, Xander, because... I love you, and I'll always love you. And, before I knew you, I was like a completely different person. N-not even a person, really. And I'd seen what love could do to people, and it was... hurt, and sadness. A-alone was better. And then, suddenly, there was you! And-and you knew me. You saw me. And it was this... thing. You make me feel safe and warm, so, I... get it now. I finally get love, Xander! I really do

Normal Again
Buffy: Then I was like... No, it wasn't like, I was in an institution. There were, um, doctors, and nurses and other patients, they told me that I was sick... I guess crazy. And that, um, Sunnydale and all of this, none of it was real.
Xander: Oh, come on, that's ridiculous! What, you think this isn't real just because of all the vampires, and demons, and ex-vengeance demons, and the sister that used to be a big ball of universe-destroying energy?

Buffy: I don't think he could feel any worse.
Anya: Let's test that theory.
Buffy: Anya, Xander's my friend. I know what he did was wrong, and if it happened to me, I'd-
Anya: Wish his penis would explode?

Seeing Red
Buffy: Xander, what I do with my personal life is none of your business.
Xander: [softly] It used to be.
Buffy: It just happened, okay?
Xander: Oh, like, uh, "Say, you're evil. Get on me"?
Buffy: You fought side by side with him when I was gone. You let him take care of Dawn.
Xander: But I never forgot what he really is. God, what were you thinking?

Andrew: Think they'll let my aunt bring me my Discman?
Jonathan: That's what you worried about? In-flight entertainment? We're in jail!
Andrew: We're in custody. We haven't been charged yet.
Jonathan: Thank you, Dragnet. It doesn't matter what they call it, they got us, okay? We're going down. [lowers his voice] That guy's been looking at me. I think he wants to make me his butt monkey.

Two To Go
Anya: Warren shot Buffy. Warren shot Tara. Buffy's alive, Tara is dead. Willow found out, and, being the most powerful wicca in the western hemisphere she decided to get the payback, with interest.
Andrew: What about Warren?
Anya: She killed him. Ripped him apart and bloodied up the forest doing it. Now she's coming here and the two of you are next.
Andrew: Oh my god, Warren!
Jonathon: Oh my god, me!

Giles: Buffy, what's happened here?
Buffy: God. I don't even know where to start.
Giles: Well, Willow's clearly been abusing the magicks.
Buffy: She has. She was ... and I barely even noticed. Giles, everything's just been so... [sighs.] Xander left Anya at the altar, and Anya's a vengeance demon again... [Giles looks shocked.] Dawn's a total klepto ... money's been so tight that I've been slinging burgers at the Doublemeat Palace ... [looks down at the floor.] And I've been sleeping with Spike.
[Giles stares at her... then starts laughing. He covers his mouth with his hand but can't stop. Buffy stares at him.]
Giles: [trying to calm down.] Sorry.
[He bursts out laughing again. Buffy rolls her eyes, now just looks amused. Giles keeps laughing and slowly Buffy starts to laugh too.]
Xander: First day of kindergarten. You cried because you broke the yellow crayon, and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far, ending the world, not a terrific notion. But the thing is? Yeah. I love you. I loved crayon-breaky Willow and I love ... scary veiny Willow. So if I'm going out, it's here. If you wanna kill the world? Well, then start with me. I've earned that.
Willow: You think I won't?
Xander: It doesn't matter. I'll still love you.
Willow: Shut up!

Season 7

Buffy: Stay away from hyena people, or any loser athletes, or if you see anyone who's invisible...
Dawn: I think it's pretty safe to say I'm not going to see anyone who's invisible.

Beneath You
Buffy: I doubt we'll even see each other. Assuming I even half understand my fuzzy job description.
Dawn: It's not fuzzy. You're what, dealing with troubled kids?
Xander: At a spanking new Hellmouth High. Please, outside of drugs, violence, and unwanted pregnancy and the unleashing of hordes of Armageddon that comes pouring out of its schools foundation every now and then, what trouble could these kids have?

Same Time, Same Place
Anya: You feel really responsible? You are really responsible!
Willow: I know I hurt you... and everyone... and I'm sorry.
Anya: Here's something you should know about vengeance demons. We don't groove with the sorry. We prefer, "Oh, God! Please stop hitting me with my own rib bones!"
Willow: Go on. Say whatever you want, rib bones and so forth. I deserve it.
Anya: And you won't mind?
Willow: No.
Anya [pouts slightly]: Well then, that's no fun.

Willow: Have you Googled her yet?
Xander: Willow! She's 17!
Willow: It's a search engine.

D'Hoffryn: [surveying the fraternity boys Anya killed] Oh, breathtaking! It's like somebody slaughtered an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog.

[The Scoobies are burning R.J.'s enchanted jacket in Buffy's fireplace.]
Buffy: Xander, be honest. You didn't, you know, think about slipping that jacket on a little bit?
Xander: I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it didn't fit.

Conversations With Dead People
Jonathan: Wish I'd have stayed in Mexico.
Andrew: Ah, I didn't like it there. Everyone spoke Mexicoan.
Jonathan: You could've learned it. You learned the entire Klingon dictionary in two and a half weeks.
Andrew: That had much clearer transitive and intransitive rules, okay? Besides, I can't keep having those nightmares.
Jonathan: Me neither. Desde abajo te devora.
Andrew: "It eats you, starting with your bottom."
Jonathan: Gonna make it right.
Andrew: We're outlaws with hearts of gold.

Spike: Well, I certainly didn't off her. Where are you getting this? You know I can't.
Buffy: Right. The chip.
Spike: No, not the chip! Not the chip, dammit. You honestly think I'd go to the end of the underworld and back to get my soul and then— Buffy, I can barely live with what I did. It haunts me. All of it. If you think that I would add to the body count now, you are crazy.

Never Leave Me
Buffy: [to Willow] He's been feasting off human blood for weeks. He's been having some pretty bad withdrawals. I think we need to get him some blood.
Willow: [enthusiastically & happily] Do you want me to kill Anya?
Buffy: No, we should probably try to wean him off humans. He'll have to make due with animal blood.
Willow: I'll go get some then.

Bring On The Night
Giles: We're back at square one.
Xander: Which square would that be, exactly?
Giles: I'm not sure. The First predates everything we've ever known. Or can know. It's everywhere, it's pure. I don't know if we can fight it.
Buffy: You're right. We don't know how to fight it. We don't know when it'll come. [We] can't run, can't hide... can't pretend it's not the end 'cause it is. Something has always... been there to try and destroy the world. We've... beaten them back, but we're not dealing with them anymore. We're dealing with the reason they exist. Evil. The strongest. The First.
Giles: Buffy, I, um... I-I know you're... you're tired...
Buffy: I'm beyond tired. I'm beyond scared. [near sobbing] I'm standing on the mouth of Hell and it is going to swallow me whole. [hardens] And it'll choke on me. We're not ready? They're not ready. They think we're gonna wait for the end to come, like we always do. I'm done waiting. They want an apocalypse? Well, we'll give 'em one. Anyone else who wants to run, do it now, 'cause we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on, we won't just face our worst fears, we will seek them out. We will find them, and cut out their hearts, one by one, until the First shows itself for what it really is. And I'll kill it myself. There is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil. And that's us. Any questions?

Willow: Last time I tried using magic... the First, it turned it around on me, got inside. I felt it surging through me, every fibre of my being, pure undiluted evil. I could taste it.
Kennedy: How's evil taste?
Willow: A little chalky.

Buffy: [on the phone at work] Well, I'm sorry Xander...next time, close the door when you take a shower at my house...of course they're curious!

The Killer In Me
Soldier: Miss Summers! Agent Finn reported that you tried to contact him earlier today.
Buffy: I knew it! [whispers to Spike] Government conspiracy.
Soldier: He indicated you might be needing our assistance. We're to provide you anything you need to help Ass-Face here.
[Spike and Buffy stare at him.]
Soldier: Those were his exact words, ma'am.

First Date
Robin: Well, then, I'd, um, I'd like to take you out to dinner, if that's all right with you. I mean, you don't have to. I'm certainly not saying come to dinner if you enjoy having a job. [chuckles] You know, I may have to make up a document saying I didn't just say that and have you sign it.
Buffy: Sure. I'd be happy to have dinner with you.
Robin: Great. I'll draw up the paperwork.

Get It Done
Willow: Oh. Hey. Hi. Well, Buffy, I see our preparations for the... school... pep-dance-cheer-drill-contest are really coming along. "Bring it on!"
Buffy: Will, it's okay, he knows.
Willow: Oh, thank God. If I had to explain all these weapons? I had nothing.
Robin: Buffy tells me you have been, umm... oh, how shall I put it?... experimenting... [long embarrassed pause] ...with the magics.
Willow: Oh! Yeah. Oh, nothing too heavy, though. Just the lighter, safer stuff. Uh, if Kennedy asks, her pointy stuff's right there. See you inside. [to Buffy] So much cooler than Snyder!
Wood: [when Willow left] She really almost destroyed the world?
Buffy: Yep.

Buffy: Are you still filming me? Stop!
Andrew: But it’s a valuable record. An important document for the ages. A Slayer in action.
Buffy: A nerd in pain. Would they like that? ’cause we could do that.

Lies My Parents Told Me
Buffy: Maybe you're right. Maybe everything is fine.
Giles: Everything's terrible. Total catastrophe.
Buffy: Giles, what's wrong?
Giles: Have you seen the new library? There's nothing but computers. There's not a book to be seen. I - I don't know where to begin, Buffy. I mean, who do we speak to?
Robin: Uh, that would - that would be me. Hi. I'm Robin Wood.
Giles: Oh, sorry. Rupert Giles. Sorry. Buffy tells me you're something of a freelance demon fighter. [Robin closes door] Oh, yes, yes. I, um, I'm relieved. We're running dangerously low on allies.
Buffy: So, we didn't stop it, then?
Giles: Uh, no, the seers at the coven are certain the First is continuing to gather its forces. I'm afraid war is inevitable. [regarding the library] So, we should go before the school board.