So I’m not going to resubmit your script to you with dialogue changes, because your dialogue isn’t actually that bad! Although there’s a few spelling mistakes here and there and some punctuation errors, I think your dialogue as a whole is strong. All your characters have their own voices… which is important, and conversations flow smoothly.
The tone of your script is consistent with the other Back to the Future movies which is crucial if you’re writing a sequel to it! There are a lot of light hearted conversations and your jokes flow well. You had me laughing at some of the jokes, especially the “Foreshadowing” one in the middle of your script.
While reading, I found it very interesting but I did find some things that could improve the story. Here are my notes.
If you want to have directors, producers or anyone in the industry to read your script and potentially make it into a film, formatting is extremely important.
-Action description can’t be more than 3-4 lines each, because then it feels very chunky and it’s hard to read. If you have a lot of description that needs to be included you can always break it up into smaller paragraphs to make it look cleaner and easier to read.
-When characters are first introduced, their names always need to be capitalized. On page 2 you wrote, “A man is filling up his Jaguar with one baby in the back and an eight year old blonde girl in the passenger seat”. Even though the man, baby and child only play small roles, their names need to be capitalized. Once you introduce them, you never have to capitalize their names again
-Also, whenever you introduce a new character in dialogue, always remember to first introduce them in the description. It was hard to follow some of the characters like; Griff, Sandy, Vanessa, Laura, Sarah Dave, Jennifer, Leanne and Marty Sr. because they seemed to appear out of nowhere. You have a great handle on keeping up with every character’s story, but they need to be introduced before they speak.
-If you’re using parenthesis in dialogue, only use: pause, beat, or one worded emotion. Although it’s great you want to put as much information in as possible, it’s the actor’s job to figure out how to act out the words. A good example of this on page 4:
(getting out of the convertible): Hey! (yelling at the attendant inside the store) I wanna fill her up! (He hits the pump, but nothing happens.)
Everything in brackets needs to actually be part of the action description lines; we definitely need to know he’s getting out of the convertible, it’s just written in the wrong place. If it’s written like this the whole way through the script, it gets very confusing to read. I got a little lost and had to reread a few parts because it felt like everything was crammed together.
-Proper headings are very important too. Since you only state the location sometimes, it’s very unclear if it’s indoors or outdoors and what time of day it is. Instead of just stating “Parking Lot”, it needs to be something like this: “Ext. Parking Lot – Night”. This needs to happen every single time there’s a location change, even if a character just enters a car.
-Directors and producers don’t want to see anything in a script underlined or italicized. If it’s important, always uppercase so they know what to focus on. Also, every kind of noise needs to be uppercased. Anything from a cat MEOWING to a door CREAKING; this again makes it easier to understand what to focus on.
The story itself was very entertaining and felt very “Back to the Future”. However, there were some plot points that stumped me a little. Usually around pages 10-15 there’s an event that happens in the main characters life that forces him to make a decision. I couldn’t exactly pin-point what this event was in the script. It almost felt like it was supposed to be Doc Brown getting shot, but this happens on page 32. Since this is such a crucial moment in Marty’s life, it needs to happen in the first 25 pages.
The next plot point is the first act turning point. Here we see the main character making his decision and entering a new world. This normally happens on page 25-30 max. This event in your script should be Marty going back in time, but again the event happens too late in the script.
To strengthen your script, try placing Doc Browns’ death around that 10-15 page mark and Marty going back in time around 25-30. This will make the story flow much smoother in structure and plot. You have a lot of great jobs in the first 20 pages, but if you could cut some of the scenes out it’ll definitely make your script flow faster
Also, the main character always needs a motivation to enter the next stage of the script, pages 25 and on. Without this motivation, the audience has a tough time connecting with the main character. I felt like on page 51 you set this up perfectly!
“I’m not on drugs. I’ve come back in time from the year 2014 to get Doc Brown to change things back to the way they were”.
If this is really Marty’s reason for going back in time, I think you should try to introduce it in the first 15 pages of your script. The audience needs to understand why he’s tampering with the Delorean.
I wasn’t quite sure why Marty went back to 1967. I thought it was a great idea to have Doc Brown suddenly killed, because it felt like Marty almost needed to go back in time to figure out exactly what happened to him. If there’s a different reason why he went back to this year I think you could add that information in. If it really was because of Doc Brown’s death, have Marty react to it a little more and be affected by it. That way, the audience can sympathize with him and instantly you’ve won their attention, which is exactly what everyone wants!
Overall, I think it’s a very interesting script and you definitely should keep working on it! It’s obvious you know a lot about the franchise and you’ve come up with a great idea and story. Loved reading it and would love to see it made!
The tone of your script is consistent with the other Back to the Future movies which is crucial if you’re writing a sequel to it! There are a lot of light hearted conversations and your jokes flow well. You had me laughing at some of the jokes, especially the “Foreshadowing” one in the middle of your script.
While reading, I found it very interesting but I did find some things that could improve the story. Here are my notes.
If you want to have directors, producers or anyone in the industry to read your script and potentially make it into a film, formatting is extremely important.
-Action description can’t be more than 3-4 lines each, because then it feels very chunky and it’s hard to read. If you have a lot of description that needs to be included you can always break it up into smaller paragraphs to make it look cleaner and easier to read.
-When characters are first introduced, their names always need to be capitalized. On page 2 you wrote, “A man is filling up his Jaguar with one baby in the back and an eight year old blonde girl in the passenger seat”. Even though the man, baby and child only play small roles, their names need to be capitalized. Once you introduce them, you never have to capitalize their names again
-Also, whenever you introduce a new character in dialogue, always remember to first introduce them in the description. It was hard to follow some of the characters like; Griff, Sandy, Vanessa, Laura, Sarah Dave, Jennifer, Leanne and Marty Sr. because they seemed to appear out of nowhere. You have a great handle on keeping up with every character’s story, but they need to be introduced before they speak.
-If you’re using parenthesis in dialogue, only use: pause, beat, or one worded emotion. Although it’s great you want to put as much information in as possible, it’s the actor’s job to figure out how to act out the words. A good example of this on page 4:
(getting out of the convertible): Hey! (yelling at the attendant inside the store) I wanna fill her up! (He hits the pump, but nothing happens.)
Everything in brackets needs to actually be part of the action description lines; we definitely need to know he’s getting out of the convertible, it’s just written in the wrong place. If it’s written like this the whole way through the script, it gets very confusing to read. I got a little lost and had to reread a few parts because it felt like everything was crammed together.
-Proper headings are very important too. Since you only state the location sometimes, it’s very unclear if it’s indoors or outdoors and what time of day it is. Instead of just stating “Parking Lot”, it needs to be something like this: “Ext. Parking Lot – Night”. This needs to happen every single time there’s a location change, even if a character just enters a car.
-Directors and producers don’t want to see anything in a script underlined or italicized. If it’s important, always uppercase so they know what to focus on. Also, every kind of noise needs to be uppercased. Anything from a cat MEOWING to a door CREAKING; this again makes it easier to understand what to focus on.
The story itself was very entertaining and felt very “Back to the Future”. However, there were some plot points that stumped me a little. Usually around pages 10-15 there’s an event that happens in the main characters life that forces him to make a decision. I couldn’t exactly pin-point what this event was in the script. It almost felt like it was supposed to be Doc Brown getting shot, but this happens on page 32. Since this is such a crucial moment in Marty’s life, it needs to happen in the first 25 pages.
The next plot point is the first act turning point. Here we see the main character making his decision and entering a new world. This normally happens on page 25-30 max. This event in your script should be Marty going back in time, but again the event happens too late in the script.
To strengthen your script, try placing Doc Browns’ death around that 10-15 page mark and Marty going back in time around 25-30. This will make the story flow much smoother in structure and plot. You have a lot of great jobs in the first 20 pages, but if you could cut some of the scenes out it’ll definitely make your script flow faster
Also, the main character always needs a motivation to enter the next stage of the script, pages 25 and on. Without this motivation, the audience has a tough time connecting with the main character. I felt like on page 51 you set this up perfectly!
“I’m not on drugs. I’ve come back in time from the year 2014 to get Doc Brown to change things back to the way they were”.
If this is really Marty’s reason for going back in time, I think you should try to introduce it in the first 15 pages of your script. The audience needs to understand why he’s tampering with the Delorean.
I wasn’t quite sure why Marty went back to 1967. I thought it was a great idea to have Doc Brown suddenly killed, because it felt like Marty almost needed to go back in time to figure out exactly what happened to him. If there’s a different reason why he went back to this year I think you could add that information in. If it really was because of Doc Brown’s death, have Marty react to it a little more and be affected by it. That way, the audience can sympathize with him and instantly you’ve won their attention, which is exactly what everyone wants!
Overall, I think it’s a very interesting script and you definitely should keep working on it! It’s obvious you know a lot about the franchise and you’ve come up with a great idea and story. Loved reading it and would love to see it made!
If Marty McFly were genderbent, his genderbent name would be Mary McFly
If Doc Brown were genderbent, his genderbent name would be Doc Emma Brown
If Biff Tannen were genderbent, his genderbent name would be Bianca Tannen
That's all i got. I can't think of any others. I can't think of any other gender bent names for the other characters. It's so tough trying to come up with genderbent names that sound similar to their actual names. If you guys could come up with some genderbent names for the ones i forgot, that'd be great ;).
If Doc Brown were genderbent, his genderbent name would be Doc Emma Brown
If Biff Tannen were genderbent, his genderbent name would be Bianca Tannen
That's all i got. I can't think of any others. I can't think of any other gender bent names for the other characters. It's so tough trying to come up with genderbent names that sound similar to their actual names. If you guys could come up with some genderbent names for the ones i forgot, that'd be great ;).