What’s up Ar-turds? That’s right, your favorite Arthur recap blogger (or maybe I’m the only Arthur recap blogger) is back and better than ever! Now with 10% more “Buster is giant pothead” jokes!
So I’ve been gone for forty days as I gave up Tumblr for Lent and as a special treat, I decided that my returning post should cover “Arthur’s Missing Pal”.
“Arthur’s Missing Pal”, if you don’t know, is a CGI feature length film that aired in 2006 on select PBS stations written by Ken Scarbrough. This movie was *SPOILER ALERT* absolute shit, which is surprising considering Ken Scarbrough wrote for “Between the Lions” and “Saturday Night Live”and currently writes for “Martha Speaks”, which is one of my favorite PBS Kids show because it is both education and entertaining, a perfect example of how a children’s educational television show should be run. I am going to pretend he hastily wrote a first draft ten minutes before a studio meeting but then the studio approved it and started going ahead with production so Ken Scarbrough decided to just take the check and buy himself something pretty.
Like I said, this straight to video thing is absolute shit but I made a vow a long time ago that I would recap all Arthur episodes or related specials so you are all damn welcome that I made myself sit through this bullshit not once but twice. And this was nominated for the 2007 Young Artists Film Award for Best Quality Picture and Sound Animation but thankfully, it was beaten by Disney’s “Cars”.
I can’t believe I live in a universe where “Cars” is the better quality picture. That’s right, I hated “Cars”.
First of all, I don’t understand the experimentation with CGI animation when these sons of bitches totally could have kept their traditional format, especially when NOTHING in this CGI universe even resembles the traditional Arthur world. Characters, clothes, the layout of places, everything. I guess either the studio was trying out this “new fandangled style” or someone at RichCrest Animation gave the right person head.
I took the liberty of making screencaps so you can see for yourself:
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This is really random but why is Arthur sleeping on top of the covers? Who DOES that?
Our opening credits are chiefly occupied by intercutting between a blissfully sleeping Arthur and the Brain and the gang making secret plans while what Charlie (of everybodylovesbuster) calls “generic spy music” plays in the background. Buster, for some dumbass reason, roller blades to Arthur’s house and totally gets attacks himself in the groin when he crashes into a streetlamp.
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Ouch! I don’t even possess testicles or balls but I can feel that pain. Surprisingly, he just walks it off. Must be all the pot he smokes.
Brain, for some ungodly reason, has security cameras installed in the neighborhood which is one, super creepy, and two, super implausible because even though I know Brain is the smartest kid in Lakewood Elementary and maybe Elwood City but do you expect me to believe that AN EIGHT YEAR OLD BOY COULD POSSIBLY DO ALL OF THAT?
Anyway, Buster skates to Casa de Read where D.W. is searching the newspaper for a clue to help her figure out a secret word for the Mary Moo Cow sweepstakes while Jane attempts to feed Baby Kate. Jane has been redrawn to look like she decided to cut her hair with a pair of sewing scissors.
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Get thee to a proper hairstylist Jane! You are not Rosemary! Oh, and that faceless blob is supposed to be Baby Kate.
D.W. finally finds her clue so now she can win tickets to the Mary Moo Cow show when Arthur and Pal come in. Pal wants his breakfast but Arthur tells him that he needs to take medicine first. Pal refuses and runs all over the kitchen and mess up D.W.’s puzzle which causes her to whine that Pal ruined everything.
Goddamn, what is her problem with Pal? It’s like the minute that dog got in the house, she hated him.
Buster demands to be let into Casa de Read which distracts Arthur from feeding Pal. Still on his roller blades, Buster creates some “hilarious” and “wacky” hijinks in the kitchen. You know, the whole “WHOOOOAOAAOAA I can’t control myself LOOK OUT!”. GODDAMMIT IF YOU CAN’T BLADE IN THOSE, WHY DO YOU INSIST ON WEARING THEM?
Apparently, everyone’s waiting for Arthur for their water balloon fight and Arthur rushes out the door without feeding Pal. No one else does it because they’re all busy with their own shit. Poor Pal.
I have to note that Muffy, Francine, D.W., and possibly Jane are played by different voice actors, despite the fact that most of the cast from the television show stayed on retainer. No disrespect to the voice actor for Muffy on this “film”, but her voice irritates me and I want to punch her stupid CGI face. I want to punch everyone’s stupid CGI face, actually so it’s actually kind of fair.
Oh yeah, and for some reason, Muffy is taping the whole thing and some of the characters are wearing different clothes.
Meanwhile, inside the house, Pal sulks while sad music plays. They used a different score for this so there’s none of that “cheerful banjo music” or “sad piano music” or “super intense banjo plucking” that we are familiar with.
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God, does Pal look deformed or what?
Pal drinks water from his bowl and then immediately has to pee even though that’s not how bodies work but okay. Pal tries to get D.W.’s attention to let him out but she’s too busy on the phone with the sweepstakes company.
Pal tries to get Arthur’s attention by barking but Arthur is worried about Francine who for some undisclosed reason, declared a hit on him that she will carry out personally. He pages Brain whom he apparently enlisted to rig the whole neighborhood (hell, possibly the whole town) with cameras so he can spot Francine coming. A mysterious pizza delivery boy shows up on the scene and is quickly revealed to be Francine.
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I’m sorry, but I gotta laugh at the fact that Francine was mistaken for a boy. There’s so many jokes right there so make up your own.
Arthur and Buster hid in the bushes under the window but get distracted when Pal barks for Arthur to let him out. Francine takes the opportunity to pelt him with a water balloon and Arthur is angry that his dog caused him to lose to Francine.
GODDAMMIT PAL JUST PEE IN THE HOUSE. IT WOULD SERVE ARTHUR RIGHT.
We then cut to the Sugar Bowl where you will be happy to know that no matter what incarnation she is in, Francine manages to be an above average C U Next Tuesday.
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Thanks, writers. Wasn’t sure if that was possible but now I know.
Pal goes to the bathroom and tries to pee in the toilet and this is where I got worried that the reason Pal went missing is because he accidentally flushed himself down the toilet and we’d have a “Finding Nemo”-like scenario on our hands.
Here’s the thing about this implausible situation: if Pal did try to pee in the toilet and actually managed to jump all the way up there, he’s a pretty damn smart dog and Arthur should be teaching him more than “come, sit, stay”.
ONCE AGAIN: PAL JUST PEE IN ARTHUR’S BED. JUST DO IT.
Back at the Sugar Bowl, Arthur realizes the asshat he has been and rushes home to walk Pal and hopefully feed him BUT DUN DUN DUN…Pal is missing!
He rushes back to the Sugar Bowl to tell his peeps and Buster takes the opportunity to get out his detective stuff again—sadly, he does not reappear in that complete awesome “London fog” getup he had in “Arthur Accused!” He’s got the coat but not the awesome hat.
Instead of this:
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We get this:
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Sigh.
The gang searches while a shitty song plays and Brain finally employs his Big Brother-like technology for good. Instead of stupid shit like looking out for Francine during a water balloon fight.
Arthur goes to the Tibbles to ask if they’ve seen Pal AND OH MY GOD IS THAT A GREMLIN?
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Nope, it’s the Tibbles in CGI format. Seriously though, no one feed those kids after midnight.
They’re unhelpful, as it is to be expected.
Arthur and Buster interrogate D.W. and suspect her of kidnapping Pal. She is insulted but seriously, D.W. offers up a lot of motive and opportunity when it comes to incidences of Pal going missing or running away. Is she really honestly surprised when she is the first suspect?
D.W. recounts how she found Pal “taking a bath” in the toilet, even though the poor puppy was clearly trying not to drown. Arthur still accuses her of being the culprit so David has to intervene. Ah, the soothing voice of David Read calms me down any time even though I’m watching this shity film. Thank you David, now go write your drunk fan mail to Guy Fieri.
The Lakewood Gang (I’ve forgotten my nickname for Arthur and his friends—did I even have one?) reviews what they’ve covered and assure Arthur that Pal will turn up. Francine continues to be a giant C U Next Tuesday by sharing an insensitive story about her cousin’s dog that ran away and settled with the first family who found him.
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Wait, how would the cousin even know that?
However, in this incarnation of Arthur, everyone shoots Francine a dirty look for being a heinous bitch which is more than anyone ever did in the TV show so one point for this movie.
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It turns out Pal is roaming around the city footloose and fancy free while a (shitty) original song called “It’s Great to Be Me” plays. Pal eats all the food he wants, tears shit up, and parties with hookers and blow as Arthur and his League of Extraordinary Amigos continue the search.
D.W. comes up to Arthur with the theory that maybe Pal went to hide because he’s having puppies, presumably like Perky did in “Arthur’s Pet Business”. Arthur awkwardly tells D.W. to go have a chat with David about where puppies come from.
Arthur and Buster are hanging up “Lost Dog” posters in front of the Sugar Bowl and unbeknownst to them, Pal is chilling out in the alley behind the Sugar Bowl. They boys bump into Prunella and Muffy and ask them if they’ve seen Pal. They’re heinous bitches about it which is weird considering the two were involved in the first search for Pal. Prunella remembers that the day before Arthur left Pal in the hot sun so Prunella took the liberty of moving Pal into the shade of the alley and Buster concludes Pal might be there as dogs tend to return to familiar places.
He left his dog out in the hot sun while he arm wrestled Francine? Goddamn, Arthur is a shitty owner.
Anyway, Pal loses his collar as he chases a butterfly and is almost run over by a lawnmower and leaves the area just as Arthur and Buster come on the scene. The Random Lawn Mower Guy is totally voiced by someone from the TV cast but I don’t know who. You get super extra bonus points if you go watch the video and tell me who they are or the character they played.
Back at Casa de Read, D.W. has won the sweepstakes which I call bullshit on because in freaking “Maya and Miguel”, Maya lost a radio contest because she was told that she needed to be at least 18 to claim the prize. I kinda feel for D.W. because she finally won the contest she’s been working for weeks on but is dismissed because Pal is missing. Not to downplay the family dog going missing or anything, but damn Jane and David, give your four year old a little credit.
Buster and Arthur sulk because it is sundown and Pal still hasn’t been found. “It’s my fault we haven’t found Pal,” laments Buster. “I’m a bad detective. Maybe I should quit smoking weed so much.” Arthur insists that Buster is not and he shouldn’t quit smoking because frankly, the shit Buster says when he’s high is hilarious.
They find more of Pal’s footprints and think he snuck into a Mr. Kone ice cream truck except Buster actually thinks Pal is driving the truck—see, the shit he says when he is high IS hilarious. They try to catch it up that truck drives awfully fast for a vehicle that makes its living by driving slowly in pedestrian neighborhoods.
Back at Casa de Read, David tells Arthur that he left a message at the company’s voicemail and they can call again in the morning to ask if they found Pal in the trucks. Arthur feels like an even bigger asshat because Buster points out Pal’s food can is still unopened, which means Arthur is a shitty owner and implies Pal ran away because of that.
We get a shitty music number about missing Pal and how they’re friends or whatever and how all they need is a hint or a clue to find him. The melody sounds like it was loosely borrowed from James Taylor’s performance of “Your Smiling Face.” If you excuse me for a moment, I’m going to listen to that maudlin song, which is actually ten times better than this tripe.
At the Mr. Kone ice cream truck parking lot/factory or whatever that place is, Pal gets out of the truck—wait, wouldn’t the driver notice a puppy snuck into the van in the first place?—and runs into these SUPER SCARY DOBERMANS whose job is to patrol the joint and make sure no hooligans try to get their hands on the sweet sweet ice cream. I guess they think Pal is trying to get his hands on some Orange Dreamsicles before dawn so they chase him. Pal escapes into the building to get away from them and I gotta wonder, what are those SUPER SCARY DOBERMANS really going to do with Pal? Eat him? Are dogs that cannibalistic? I actually think they would just bark at Pal until 5 am or until Pal died of fright, whichever came first.
In the morning, D.W. wakes up Arthur and tells him it’s the day of the Mary Moo Cow On Ice show. Arthur is all, “Fuck that shit. I’m going to find Pal.” And D.W. yells to Jane that Arthur is not being appreciative. I don’t think anyone in that household appreciates going to see Mary Moo Cow On Ice, D.W. Stop trying to make that happen. It’s not going to happen.
David drives Arthur and Buster to the Mr. Kone ice cream truck parking lot/factory or whatever that place is, but the doors are locked which confuses David because he specifically called the owner to ask if he was going to be there and let them in. Buster yells into the intercom and the owner, Mr. Kone, is really cranky and suspicious sounding because he claims they didn’t find any dog and the place is closed so bye-bye now. Buster and Arthur plead to go look themselves but Mr. Kone refuses even though the kids found Pal’s footprints and his fur around the area.
My first instinct was to believe that maybe Mr. Kone found Pal and decided to keep him for himself because he sounds like a crazy eccentric Willy Wonka-wannabe but it turns out Mr. Kone is just an asshole who doesn’t want to let them in because he’s an asshole.
The Soothing Voice of David Read combined with Arthur’s tearful plea wear down Mr. Kone and he lets them come in and search.
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Check out the angry look David is giving him. You know he’s out of there if they go on a boat ride on a chocolate river.
Mr. Kone totally is a cranky Willy Wonka-wannabe and he tells them there was an accident in his factory last night that caused a huge mess. They review the tapes and find that Pal got in the building with the SUPER SCARY DOBERMANS chasing him and he caused the machines to turn on and doused ice cream on the SUPER SCARY DOBERMANS as he could get away.
They thank Mr. Kone for his help and Mr. Kone yells at his SUPER SCARY DOBERMANS for eating all the ice cream and swimming in it and shit. I was going to make a joke that Mr. Kone then proceeds to ship out the dog contaminated ice cream anyway but then it actually happens so…
We then cut to the ice show where D.W. is not having a good time. She complains it’s nothing like the TV show (I wonder if this is a meta joke) and how her ice cream tastes like dog (hence the ew). Plus, they kinda have shitty seats. So much for being a contest winner.
The Read men plus Buster stop into a diner where the cook remembers seeing Pal. He was brought in by Rosie, a truck driver, and the two talk smack about the shitty owner of this poor puppy.
Me:
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Rosie decides to take Pal with her on her route and promises to take him to see the world except her definition of the world is “Elwood City, Huntington, Tangleberry,and Washington, D.C.” The cook, unfortunately, doesn’t know where in Elwood City Rosie went.
Back at the ice show, D.W. hears Pal barking. Jane thinks D.W. is just imagining it or the character in the dog suit made the noise but D.W. insists she heard Pal. It turns out she really did because backstage we see Rosie and Pal chilling out, watching the show.
At Casa de Read, Arthur is sulking and tossing out Pal’s stuff. Buster comes in and asks him what he’s doing and Arthur admits he’s a shitty dog owner and doesn’t even deserve Pal. Then Arthur remembers Pal’s heart worm medicine and agrees to continue the search so he can give it to Pal.
Apparently they missed Pal at the ice show because the alligator director reports nothing and condescendingly tells D.W. she must have thought the dog character was real. D.W. tells him to go fuck himself, embarrassing Jane. It’s nice to know in whatever incarnation D.W. is, she’s a sassy little machine, bless her.
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There’s D.W. giving him a primo bitchface. You go girl.
At Casa de Read, Arthur and Buster are trying to figure out the connection between the cities mentioned while D.W. attempts to call him but Arthur thinks it’s just a ruse to get him to the show. A commercial for the Mary Moo Cow ice show plays that advertises the cities its playing in and the boys put two and two together. They rush over to the arena but they miss the truck.
The boys enlist Big Brother Brain and the rest of the Lakewood Gang to turn on their cameras and spread across the city to catch the truck. Muffy rivals Francine for being a giant C U Next Tuesday because she takes her sweet time getting dressed and getting into her car.
Rosie is trying to find the highway and when Muffy finally gets into the limo, the two almost crash into each other. Thankfully, the kids are able to catch up and Arthur finally sees Pal. Arthur, in a stroke of martyrdom, tells Rosie he was trying to flag her down so he could give Pal his medication because he’s a shitty dog downer and he wanted to make sure she would do right by Pal. Rosie gently tells Arthur that Pal seems to forgive him so who is she to judge whether or not he’s a shitty dog owner? Uh, Rhianna seems to have forgiven Chris Brown but I still think Chris Brown is a shitty boyfriend. Anyway, Rosies gives back Pal and goes off to see “the world”.
Buster finally “solved” the mystery or whatever and Pal is back with Arthur! D.W. admits she let Pal out of the house so he could go pee and that’s how he must have run off. Arthur forgives her and Pal has to go pee again so everyone goes to watch.
That’s literally what they do, I’m not even kidding.
THE END, THANK GOD.
Okay, let’s grade this thing.
Does it go there? No, it doesn’t. This was a crappy movie that had shitty, unrealistic attempts at twists (Pal got flushed down the toilet! No, Crazy Mr. Kone wanted to keep him), everything was contrived and stupid, and did I mention I hated the CGI? I wish I could be a more eloquent reviewer but there was nothing from the charm of the television show in here. It was as if the writers and production company never saw a single episode of Arthur but decided to make this movie anyway. And the original songs were such sugary saccharine crap. Don’t see this unless you want to rant about how stupid it is in a recap like me.
Rating: 0% intense. The only intense thing about this movie was the crappy CGI.
So I’ve been gone for forty days as I gave up Tumblr for Lent and as a special treat, I decided that my returning post should cover “Arthur’s Missing Pal”.
“Arthur’s Missing Pal”, if you don’t know, is a CGI feature length film that aired in 2006 on select PBS stations written by Ken Scarbrough. This movie was *SPOILER ALERT* absolute shit, which is surprising considering Ken Scarbrough wrote for “Between the Lions” and “Saturday Night Live”and currently writes for “Martha Speaks”, which is one of my favorite PBS Kids show because it is both education and entertaining, a perfect example of how a children’s educational television show should be run. I am going to pretend he hastily wrote a first draft ten minutes before a studio meeting but then the studio approved it and started going ahead with production so Ken Scarbrough decided to just take the check and buy himself something pretty.
Like I said, this straight to video thing is absolute shit but I made a vow a long time ago that I would recap all Arthur episodes or related specials so you are all damn welcome that I made myself sit through this bullshit not once but twice. And this was nominated for the 2007 Young Artists Film Award for Best Quality Picture and Sound Animation but thankfully, it was beaten by Disney’s “Cars”.
I can’t believe I live in a universe where “Cars” is the better quality picture. That’s right, I hated “Cars”.
First of all, I don’t understand the experimentation with CGI animation when these sons of bitches totally could have kept their traditional format, especially when NOTHING in this CGI universe even resembles the traditional Arthur world. Characters, clothes, the layout of places, everything. I guess either the studio was trying out this “new fandangled style” or someone at RichCrest Animation gave the right person head.
I took the liberty of making screencaps so you can see for yourself:
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This is really random but why is Arthur sleeping on top of the covers? Who DOES that?
Our opening credits are chiefly occupied by intercutting between a blissfully sleeping Arthur and the Brain and the gang making secret plans while what Charlie (of everybodylovesbuster) calls “generic spy music” plays in the background. Buster, for some dumbass reason, roller blades to Arthur’s house and totally gets attacks himself in the groin when he crashes into a streetlamp.
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Ouch! I don’t even possess testicles or balls but I can feel that pain. Surprisingly, he just walks it off. Must be all the pot he smokes.
Brain, for some ungodly reason, has security cameras installed in the neighborhood which is one, super creepy, and two, super implausible because even though I know Brain is the smartest kid in Lakewood Elementary and maybe Elwood City but do you expect me to believe that AN EIGHT YEAR OLD BOY COULD POSSIBLY DO ALL OF THAT?
Anyway, Buster skates to Casa de Read where D.W. is searching the newspaper for a clue to help her figure out a secret word for the Mary Moo Cow sweepstakes while Jane attempts to feed Baby Kate. Jane has been redrawn to look like she decided to cut her hair with a pair of sewing scissors.
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Get thee to a proper hairstylist Jane! You are not Rosemary! Oh, and that faceless blob is supposed to be Baby Kate.
D.W. finally finds her clue so now she can win tickets to the Mary Moo Cow show when Arthur and Pal come in. Pal wants his breakfast but Arthur tells him that he needs to take medicine first. Pal refuses and runs all over the kitchen and mess up D.W.’s puzzle which causes her to whine that Pal ruined everything.
Goddamn, what is her problem with Pal? It’s like the minute that dog got in the house, she hated him.
Buster demands to be let into Casa de Read which distracts Arthur from feeding Pal. Still on his roller blades, Buster creates some “hilarious” and “wacky” hijinks in the kitchen. You know, the whole “WHOOOOAOAAOAA I can’t control myself LOOK OUT!”. GODDAMMIT IF YOU CAN’T BLADE IN THOSE, WHY DO YOU INSIST ON WEARING THEM?
Apparently, everyone’s waiting for Arthur for their water balloon fight and Arthur rushes out the door without feeding Pal. No one else does it because they’re all busy with their own shit. Poor Pal.
I have to note that Muffy, Francine, D.W., and possibly Jane are played by different voice actors, despite the fact that most of the cast from the television show stayed on retainer. No disrespect to the voice actor for Muffy on this “film”, but her voice irritates me and I want to punch her stupid CGI face. I want to punch everyone’s stupid CGI face, actually so it’s actually kind of fair.
Oh yeah, and for some reason, Muffy is taping the whole thing and some of the characters are wearing different clothes.
Meanwhile, inside the house, Pal sulks while sad music plays. They used a different score for this so there’s none of that “cheerful banjo music” or “sad piano music” or “super intense banjo plucking” that we are familiar with.
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God, does Pal look deformed or what?
Pal drinks water from his bowl and then immediately has to pee even though that’s not how bodies work but okay. Pal tries to get D.W.’s attention to let him out but she’s too busy on the phone with the sweepstakes company.
Pal tries to get Arthur’s attention by barking but Arthur is worried about Francine who for some undisclosed reason, declared a hit on him that she will carry out personally. He pages Brain whom he apparently enlisted to rig the whole neighborhood (hell, possibly the whole town) with cameras so he can spot Francine coming. A mysterious pizza delivery boy shows up on the scene and is quickly revealed to be Francine.
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I’m sorry, but I gotta laugh at the fact that Francine was mistaken for a boy. There’s so many jokes right there so make up your own.
Arthur and Buster hid in the bushes under the window but get distracted when Pal barks for Arthur to let him out. Francine takes the opportunity to pelt him with a water balloon and Arthur is angry that his dog caused him to lose to Francine.
GODDAMMIT PAL JUST PEE IN THE HOUSE. IT WOULD SERVE ARTHUR RIGHT.
We then cut to the Sugar Bowl where you will be happy to know that no matter what incarnation she is in, Francine manages to be an above average C U Next Tuesday.
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Thanks, writers. Wasn’t sure if that was possible but now I know.
Pal goes to the bathroom and tries to pee in the toilet and this is where I got worried that the reason Pal went missing is because he accidentally flushed himself down the toilet and we’d have a “Finding Nemo”-like scenario on our hands.
Here’s the thing about this implausible situation: if Pal did try to pee in the toilet and actually managed to jump all the way up there, he’s a pretty damn smart dog and Arthur should be teaching him more than “come, sit, stay”.
ONCE AGAIN: PAL JUST PEE IN ARTHUR’S BED. JUST DO IT.
Back at the Sugar Bowl, Arthur realizes the asshat he has been and rushes home to walk Pal and hopefully feed him BUT DUN DUN DUN…Pal is missing!
He rushes back to the Sugar Bowl to tell his peeps and Buster takes the opportunity to get out his detective stuff again—sadly, he does not reappear in that complete awesome “London fog” getup he had in “Arthur Accused!” He’s got the coat but not the awesome hat.
Instead of this:
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We get this:
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Sigh.
The gang searches while a shitty song plays and Brain finally employs his Big Brother-like technology for good. Instead of stupid shit like looking out for Francine during a water balloon fight.
Arthur goes to the Tibbles to ask if they’ve seen Pal AND OH MY GOD IS THAT A GREMLIN?
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Nope, it’s the Tibbles in CGI format. Seriously though, no one feed those kids after midnight.
They’re unhelpful, as it is to be expected.
Arthur and Buster interrogate D.W. and suspect her of kidnapping Pal. She is insulted but seriously, D.W. offers up a lot of motive and opportunity when it comes to incidences of Pal going missing or running away. Is she really honestly surprised when she is the first suspect?
D.W. recounts how she found Pal “taking a bath” in the toilet, even though the poor puppy was clearly trying not to drown. Arthur still accuses her of being the culprit so David has to intervene. Ah, the soothing voice of David Read calms me down any time even though I’m watching this shity film. Thank you David, now go write your drunk fan mail to Guy Fieri.
The Lakewood Gang (I’ve forgotten my nickname for Arthur and his friends—did I even have one?) reviews what they’ve covered and assure Arthur that Pal will turn up. Francine continues to be a giant C U Next Tuesday by sharing an insensitive story about her cousin’s dog that ran away and settled with the first family who found him.
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Wait, how would the cousin even know that?
However, in this incarnation of Arthur, everyone shoots Francine a dirty look for being a heinous bitch which is more than anyone ever did in the TV show so one point for this movie.
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It turns out Pal is roaming around the city footloose and fancy free while a (shitty) original song called “It’s Great to Be Me” plays. Pal eats all the food he wants, tears shit up, and parties with hookers and blow as Arthur and his League of Extraordinary Amigos continue the search.
D.W. comes up to Arthur with the theory that maybe Pal went to hide because he’s having puppies, presumably like Perky did in “Arthur’s Pet Business”. Arthur awkwardly tells D.W. to go have a chat with David about where puppies come from.
Arthur and Buster are hanging up “Lost Dog” posters in front of the Sugar Bowl and unbeknownst to them, Pal is chilling out in the alley behind the Sugar Bowl. They boys bump into Prunella and Muffy and ask them if they’ve seen Pal. They’re heinous bitches about it which is weird considering the two were involved in the first search for Pal. Prunella remembers that the day before Arthur left Pal in the hot sun so Prunella took the liberty of moving Pal into the shade of the alley and Buster concludes Pal might be there as dogs tend to return to familiar places.
He left his dog out in the hot sun while he arm wrestled Francine? Goddamn, Arthur is a shitty owner.
Anyway, Pal loses his collar as he chases a butterfly and is almost run over by a lawnmower and leaves the area just as Arthur and Buster come on the scene. The Random Lawn Mower Guy is totally voiced by someone from the TV cast but I don’t know who. You get super extra bonus points if you go watch the video and tell me who they are or the character they played.
Back at Casa de Read, D.W. has won the sweepstakes which I call bullshit on because in freaking “Maya and Miguel”, Maya lost a radio contest because she was told that she needed to be at least 18 to claim the prize. I kinda feel for D.W. because she finally won the contest she’s been working for weeks on but is dismissed because Pal is missing. Not to downplay the family dog going missing or anything, but damn Jane and David, give your four year old a little credit.
Buster and Arthur sulk because it is sundown and Pal still hasn’t been found. “It’s my fault we haven’t found Pal,” laments Buster. “I’m a bad detective. Maybe I should quit smoking weed so much.” Arthur insists that Buster is not and he shouldn’t quit smoking because frankly, the shit Buster says when he’s high is hilarious.
They find more of Pal’s footprints and think he snuck into a Mr. Kone ice cream truck except Buster actually thinks Pal is driving the truck—see, the shit he says when he is high IS hilarious. They try to catch it up that truck drives awfully fast for a vehicle that makes its living by driving slowly in pedestrian neighborhoods.
Back at Casa de Read, David tells Arthur that he left a message at the company’s voicemail and they can call again in the morning to ask if they found Pal in the trucks. Arthur feels like an even bigger asshat because Buster points out Pal’s food can is still unopened, which means Arthur is a shitty owner and implies Pal ran away because of that.
We get a shitty music number about missing Pal and how they’re friends or whatever and how all they need is a hint or a clue to find him. The melody sounds like it was loosely borrowed from James Taylor’s performance of “Your Smiling Face.” If you excuse me for a moment, I’m going to listen to that maudlin song, which is actually ten times better than this tripe.
At the Mr. Kone ice cream truck parking lot/factory or whatever that place is, Pal gets out of the truck—wait, wouldn’t the driver notice a puppy snuck into the van in the first place?—and runs into these SUPER SCARY DOBERMANS whose job is to patrol the joint and make sure no hooligans try to get their hands on the sweet sweet ice cream. I guess they think Pal is trying to get his hands on some Orange Dreamsicles before dawn so they chase him. Pal escapes into the building to get away from them and I gotta wonder, what are those SUPER SCARY DOBERMANS really going to do with Pal? Eat him? Are dogs that cannibalistic? I actually think they would just bark at Pal until 5 am or until Pal died of fright, whichever came first.
In the morning, D.W. wakes up Arthur and tells him it’s the day of the Mary Moo Cow On Ice show. Arthur is all, “Fuck that shit. I’m going to find Pal.” And D.W. yells to Jane that Arthur is not being appreciative. I don’t think anyone in that household appreciates going to see Mary Moo Cow On Ice, D.W. Stop trying to make that happen. It’s not going to happen.
David drives Arthur and Buster to the Mr. Kone ice cream truck parking lot/factory or whatever that place is, but the doors are locked which confuses David because he specifically called the owner to ask if he was going to be there and let them in. Buster yells into the intercom and the owner, Mr. Kone, is really cranky and suspicious sounding because he claims they didn’t find any dog and the place is closed so bye-bye now. Buster and Arthur plead to go look themselves but Mr. Kone refuses even though the kids found Pal’s footprints and his fur around the area.
My first instinct was to believe that maybe Mr. Kone found Pal and decided to keep him for himself because he sounds like a crazy eccentric Willy Wonka-wannabe but it turns out Mr. Kone is just an asshole who doesn’t want to let them in because he’s an asshole.
The Soothing Voice of David Read combined with Arthur’s tearful plea wear down Mr. Kone and he lets them come in and search.
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Check out the angry look David is giving him. You know he’s out of there if they go on a boat ride on a chocolate river.
Mr. Kone totally is a cranky Willy Wonka-wannabe and he tells them there was an accident in his factory last night that caused a huge mess. They review the tapes and find that Pal got in the building with the SUPER SCARY DOBERMANS chasing him and he caused the machines to turn on and doused ice cream on the SUPER SCARY DOBERMANS as he could get away.
They thank Mr. Kone for his help and Mr. Kone yells at his SUPER SCARY DOBERMANS for eating all the ice cream and swimming in it and shit. I was going to make a joke that Mr. Kone then proceeds to ship out the dog contaminated ice cream anyway but then it actually happens so…
We then cut to the ice show where D.W. is not having a good time. She complains it’s nothing like the TV show (I wonder if this is a meta joke) and how her ice cream tastes like dog (hence the ew). Plus, they kinda have shitty seats. So much for being a contest winner.
The Read men plus Buster stop into a diner where the cook remembers seeing Pal. He was brought in by Rosie, a truck driver, and the two talk smack about the shitty owner of this poor puppy.
Me:
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Rosie decides to take Pal with her on her route and promises to take him to see the world except her definition of the world is “Elwood City, Huntington, Tangleberry,and Washington, D.C.” The cook, unfortunately, doesn’t know where in Elwood City Rosie went.
Back at the ice show, D.W. hears Pal barking. Jane thinks D.W. is just imagining it or the character in the dog suit made the noise but D.W. insists she heard Pal. It turns out she really did because backstage we see Rosie and Pal chilling out, watching the show.
At Casa de Read, Arthur is sulking and tossing out Pal’s stuff. Buster comes in and asks him what he’s doing and Arthur admits he’s a shitty dog owner and doesn’t even deserve Pal. Then Arthur remembers Pal’s heart worm medicine and agrees to continue the search so he can give it to Pal.
Apparently they missed Pal at the ice show because the alligator director reports nothing and condescendingly tells D.W. she must have thought the dog character was real. D.W. tells him to go fuck himself, embarrassing Jane. It’s nice to know in whatever incarnation D.W. is, she’s a sassy little machine, bless her.
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There’s D.W. giving him a primo bitchface. You go girl.
At Casa de Read, Arthur and Buster are trying to figure out the connection between the cities mentioned while D.W. attempts to call him but Arthur thinks it’s just a ruse to get him to the show. A commercial for the Mary Moo Cow ice show plays that advertises the cities its playing in and the boys put two and two together. They rush over to the arena but they miss the truck.
The boys enlist Big Brother Brain and the rest of the Lakewood Gang to turn on their cameras and spread across the city to catch the truck. Muffy rivals Francine for being a giant C U Next Tuesday because she takes her sweet time getting dressed and getting into her car.
Rosie is trying to find the highway and when Muffy finally gets into the limo, the two almost crash into each other. Thankfully, the kids are able to catch up and Arthur finally sees Pal. Arthur, in a stroke of martyrdom, tells Rosie he was trying to flag her down so he could give Pal his medication because he’s a shitty dog downer and he wanted to make sure she would do right by Pal. Rosie gently tells Arthur that Pal seems to forgive him so who is she to judge whether or not he’s a shitty dog owner? Uh, Rhianna seems to have forgiven Chris Brown but I still think Chris Brown is a shitty boyfriend. Anyway, Rosies gives back Pal and goes off to see “the world”.
Buster finally “solved” the mystery or whatever and Pal is back with Arthur! D.W. admits she let Pal out of the house so he could go pee and that’s how he must have run off. Arthur forgives her and Pal has to go pee again so everyone goes to watch.
That’s literally what they do, I’m not even kidding.
THE END, THANK GOD.
Okay, let’s grade this thing.
Does it go there? No, it doesn’t. This was a crappy movie that had shitty, unrealistic attempts at twists (Pal got flushed down the toilet! No, Crazy Mr. Kone wanted to keep him), everything was contrived and stupid, and did I mention I hated the CGI? I wish I could be a more eloquent reviewer but there was nothing from the charm of the television show in here. It was as if the writers and production company never saw a single episode of Arthur but decided to make this movie anyway. And the original songs were such sugary saccharine crap. Don’t see this unless you want to rant about how stupid it is in a recap like me.
Rating: 0% intense. The only intense thing about this movie was the crappy CGI.