Pain stood at a podium and said, “My fellow Akatsuki, we are here to honor the loss of our comrade Sasori.”
Pain looked at the side of the room and saw that Kisame was getting food served to him from a buffet by Zetsu and Konan.
“Hey we aren’t supposed to start eating until the service is over,” Pain complained.
“Well you are kind of losing the crowd sir,” Zetsu said, “Maybe try to liven it up a bit.”
“It’s a funeral,” Pain said, “If things were alive we wouldn’t be here in the first place.”
Pain looked out at the crowd to see Hidan snoring with a small stream of drool going down his cheek. Kakuzu was sitting next to him counting money in his hand. Kisame sat back down next to Itachi and began eating as he handed Itachi his dango. Tobi was wailing while holding a box of tissues with Deidara inching away from him.
“Now Deidara will deliver a eulogy for Sasori,” Pain said as he waved Deidara up.
Deidara’s eyes went wide. “You didn’t say anything about writing a eulogy un,” Deidara said.
“You were his partner,” Pain replied, “Who did you think would give the eulogy?”
“I figured since you like to hear yourself talk so much you would do it un,” said Deidara.
Before Pain could respond Tobi raised his hand. “Tobi wants to say something about Sasori-Sempai,” Tobi said tearfully.
Pain looked surprised. “I guess it couldn’t hurt anything,” Pain said as Tobi walked up to the podium with tissues in hand.
Tobi looked out at the crowd and said, “Even though Tobi never got to meet Sasori-Sempai, without him Tobi would never have met his bestest friend in the whole wide world, Deidara-Sempai.”
Deidara hid his face within his cloak as the other members snickered at him.
Tobi continued, “Tobi knows Sasori-Sempai would be his bestest friend too. Maybe in Akatsuki heaven we can be bestest friends together.”
Tobi suddenly burst into tears and shouted, “Come back to us!” Tobi then jumps into the casket and hugs Sasori’s puppet body stunning everyone. Pain pried Tobi off of Sasori and put him back in his seat.
“Okay then,” Pain said, “Anyone else have something to say?”
As no one said anything, Pain pulled Kakuzu up to the podium with his Bansho Tensei. Pain asked, “Why don’t you say something Kakuzu?”
Kakuzu put his money in his pocket and stood up. “Well I didn’t really no Sasori either, but I made a ton of cash selling his puppets to Sunagakure,” Kakuzu said as he looked at Sasori’s body, “So thanks for the free merchandise.”
Pain rubbed the side of his temple. “Hidan,” he said, “You’re a priest. Can you say some spiritual mumbo jumbo?”
Hidan stood up and took Kakuzu’s place on the podium. “I shall open with a Jashinist Prayer,” Hidan said, “******* ****** ******* ***** ********.”
Everyone’s mouth hung open in shock. Pain raised his hand and said, “Shinra Tensei,” launching Hidan out of the cave.
Tobi looked at Deidara and asked, “What do those words mean Sempai?”
Deidara said, “We will tell you when you’re older Tobi un.”
Konan walked up to the podium and placed a bouquet of paper flowers in the casket and asked, “Where did his body go?”
Everyone looked at Kakuzu.
“What?” he asked.
“You’re not selling that one Kakuzu,” Pain said, “Put it back.”
Kakuzu muttered under his breath as he set it back in the casket.
Pain got back to the podium and said, “I think I’ll just read Sasori’s last will and testament to close out the ceremony.”
Pain began to read the paper, “I, Sasori of the red sand, wish to make this final statement to you my fellow Akatsuki members. To Deidara I wish to say, get a haircut because you look like a girl. Also get help you pyromaniac. To Kakuzu I wish to say, if you sell my puppets I will haunt you forever. To Hidan I wish to say, shut up. To Konan I wish to say, origami is not a real art form. To Pain I wish to say, the piercings don’t make you look tough. They just make you look more emo than Itachi. To Kisame I wish to say, you need to do something about your blue skin. Try moisturizer. To Zetsu, be grateful I mentioned you at all.”
Everyone looked annoyed as Pain finished reading the will. Deidara asked, “Can I blow him up now un?”
Pain threw the paper out and said, “Have at it. From now on when a member dies we just have a moment of silence.”
Pain looked at the side of the room and saw that Kisame was getting food served to him from a buffet by Zetsu and Konan.
“Hey we aren’t supposed to start eating until the service is over,” Pain complained.
“Well you are kind of losing the crowd sir,” Zetsu said, “Maybe try to liven it up a bit.”
“It’s a funeral,” Pain said, “If things were alive we wouldn’t be here in the first place.”
Pain looked out at the crowd to see Hidan snoring with a small stream of drool going down his cheek. Kakuzu was sitting next to him counting money in his hand. Kisame sat back down next to Itachi and began eating as he handed Itachi his dango. Tobi was wailing while holding a box of tissues with Deidara inching away from him.
“Now Deidara will deliver a eulogy for Sasori,” Pain said as he waved Deidara up.
Deidara’s eyes went wide. “You didn’t say anything about writing a eulogy un,” Deidara said.
“You were his partner,” Pain replied, “Who did you think would give the eulogy?”
“I figured since you like to hear yourself talk so much you would do it un,” said Deidara.
Before Pain could respond Tobi raised his hand. “Tobi wants to say something about Sasori-Sempai,” Tobi said tearfully.
Pain looked surprised. “I guess it couldn’t hurt anything,” Pain said as Tobi walked up to the podium with tissues in hand.
Tobi looked out at the crowd and said, “Even though Tobi never got to meet Sasori-Sempai, without him Tobi would never have met his bestest friend in the whole wide world, Deidara-Sempai.”
Deidara hid his face within his cloak as the other members snickered at him.
Tobi continued, “Tobi knows Sasori-Sempai would be his bestest friend too. Maybe in Akatsuki heaven we can be bestest friends together.”
Tobi suddenly burst into tears and shouted, “Come back to us!” Tobi then jumps into the casket and hugs Sasori’s puppet body stunning everyone. Pain pried Tobi off of Sasori and put him back in his seat.
“Okay then,” Pain said, “Anyone else have something to say?”
As no one said anything, Pain pulled Kakuzu up to the podium with his Bansho Tensei. Pain asked, “Why don’t you say something Kakuzu?”
Kakuzu put his money in his pocket and stood up. “Well I didn’t really no Sasori either, but I made a ton of cash selling his puppets to Sunagakure,” Kakuzu said as he looked at Sasori’s body, “So thanks for the free merchandise.”
Pain rubbed the side of his temple. “Hidan,” he said, “You’re a priest. Can you say some spiritual mumbo jumbo?”
Hidan stood up and took Kakuzu’s place on the podium. “I shall open with a Jashinist Prayer,” Hidan said, “******* ****** ******* ***** ********.”
Everyone’s mouth hung open in shock. Pain raised his hand and said, “Shinra Tensei,” launching Hidan out of the cave.
Tobi looked at Deidara and asked, “What do those words mean Sempai?”
Deidara said, “We will tell you when you’re older Tobi un.”
Konan walked up to the podium and placed a bouquet of paper flowers in the casket and asked, “Where did his body go?”
Everyone looked at Kakuzu.
“What?” he asked.
“You’re not selling that one Kakuzu,” Pain said, “Put it back.”
Kakuzu muttered under his breath as he set it back in the casket.
Pain got back to the podium and said, “I think I’ll just read Sasori’s last will and testament to close out the ceremony.”
Pain began to read the paper, “I, Sasori of the red sand, wish to make this final statement to you my fellow Akatsuki members. To Deidara I wish to say, get a haircut because you look like a girl. Also get help you pyromaniac. To Kakuzu I wish to say, if you sell my puppets I will haunt you forever. To Hidan I wish to say, shut up. To Konan I wish to say, origami is not a real art form. To Pain I wish to say, the piercings don’t make you look tough. They just make you look more emo than Itachi. To Kisame I wish to say, you need to do something about your blue skin. Try moisturizer. To Zetsu, be grateful I mentioned you at all.”
Everyone looked annoyed as Pain finished reading the will. Deidara asked, “Can I blow him up now un?”
Pain threw the paper out and said, “Have at it. From now on when a member dies we just have a moment of silence.”
